This Is Why I’m Never Getting Married

Most women will tell you that the best day of their lives was their wedding day. For me, it will have to be some other day. Because I’m never getting married. 

I’m not going to drag my female relatives to a dress shop in New York City. I’m not going to make them wait while an underpaid dress shop assistant buttons 100 buttons. There will be no trying on the third dress for a second time.

There will be no phone calls on my part to make a wedding happen. I will not be comparison-shopping for flowers. No venue will win over my heart anywhere in the world. Taste testing food just makes me hungry.

Yes, I am a hopeless romantic. Yes, I want to stay together forever with somebody. No, I do not want to get married. I don’t want my friends and relatives to schlep to anywhere. I almost want to set a fake wedding date with no wedding so they can enjoy the day not at my wedding.

Sure, I’ve always thought I wouldn’t have a wedding, but for a time now, I’ve not even wanted to elope. Because a trusted guy friend confided in me, “Marriage is a financial scam for women.”

Probably with Sex And The City, a lot of women had a Charlotte fantasy somewhere that if they married a rich guy and the marriage didn’t work out, they wouldn’t ask for anything except to keep the multimillion dollar apartment. Or would they ask for more?

My understanding is that in every divorce, women are at a huge risk of losing everything. Women want it to be a woman’s world in places like the school board and at places of worship, but when it comes to a marriage splitting, lots of luck.

Women think that they will get alimony checks from their former husband so that they will not have to work. They think that he will be taking good financial care of them and their children and she will be simply free to date other people.

In truth, women sometimes have to pay alimony to their former husbands. Don’t ask me how or why, but I have definitely heard of this happening. I have heard of women losing the house. I have heard of women losing their inheritances while their parents are still alive. 

Some women think that their former husbands will be taking care of the children. Maybe the woman is seeing a therapist for anxiety and she thinks that the children will be better off with the husband. Once again, lots of luck.

A safe bet could be living in a place you can afford on your own, and if another person wants to live with you, you could split the rent, and as long as you don’t get married, if you split, the money they paid toward that rent or mortgage is yours to keep.

Because I am a hopeless romantic, for a time I thought that marriage was the way for me, because everybody hates lawyers. It’s like a wall against breaking up. I thought I’d feel more secure with a ceremonial bond. But guys will call a lawyer like he’s ordering a pizza. Overall, I’d rather get regular dumped than have somebody divorce me.