What No One Tells You About When Your Abuser Dies

Grief is a complex thing. Everyone reacts to it differently. There is no specific way to grieve the loss of someone. It’s a very difficult thing to explain. For me, when I’m trying to understand something or see how others dealt with a situation, I check Google. But I did not find anything about what to do when you finally start processing your abuse after a decade and your abuser resurfaces in a community Facebook group, becomes Facebook famous, dies under unexpected circumstances, and then is celebrated as a hero. 

When I found out that my abusive ex was in the hospital, I didn’t know what to think. It took a minute to even understand what was happening. And then it was just like the floor dropped out from under me and I was overwhelmed.  

He had always seemed so indestructible to me. The idea that they were inducing a coma didn’t seem right. And while he was obviously not my favorite person, I didn’t want this for him. And by the end of the day, when they weren’t sure if he was going to make it, it all seemed so impossible. How could this even be happening? I just kept telling myself how stubborn he was and that he would push through. But there were just so many emotions. Everything was up and down for the next week. He would be on the edge, but then stabilize.

And my mind was all over the place. Part of me thought about how when he finally came out of this, he was going to use it to gain sympathy and attention. Which then made me feel like a terrible person for thinking that when he was fighting for his life. And I wondered if maybe this experience would help him to reevaluate his life choices and make some changes.

Never did I think that he would actually die. And when I got the message that he was gone, it was like nothing made sense. How does this even happen? I didn’t know how to feel. I was sad, angry, confused, shocked. All these people talking about how great he was made me think maybe I was crazy. If all these people truly thought he was a great guy and had done all these selfless things, then maybe I was wrong. Was I remembering everything wrong? Was I exaggerating it in my head? It was like he was gaslighting me all over again. Luckily, I have a good support system who reminded me that what I experienced was real and that I wasn’t insane. But there was this constant self-doubt.  

And all the people talking about how they missed him and I wanted to scream that they didn’t even know his real name. I was angry about how beloved he was. People who knew my story were talking about him like he was their best friend. All I wanted to do was roll my eyes. These were people that didn’t even know him. Some that had never even met him.

And every time someone posted asking to share your favorite memory, I would think about which one I would share. Should I tell them about the time he pinned me to the wall until I agreed not to leave him? Or what about when he told me I should train myself to keep my mouth closed so that my overbite and tooth gap wouldn’t show? Maybe the time I got yelled at for ruining his chances with a girl he was trying to cheat on me with? But it obviously wasn’t the appropriate time for that.  

I was so conflicted on everything. How I was feeling, what I could and couldn’t say, how I should be reacting. There were just so many contradicting feelings and I didn’t know what the best way was to deal with any of it. I had already been sharing things about emotional abuse on social media as a way to educate others, but I felt like I should tone that down so as not to offend the people who cared about him. Even though I knew I had every right to feel how I felt, it still didn’t seem ok. I was still so worried about upsetting other people. 

I wanted to share my own stories and be involved in the grieving process. I wanted to be included in the memory sharing. But I also felt like I wasn’t allowed to do that. Like I didn’t have the right to grieve for him. How could I be grieving for someone who I couldn’t stand? It didn’t feel right to be upset about someone who hurt me so much.

People were reaching out to tell me that it was okay to feel however I felt, but I didn’t even know how I felt. None of it felt real—it still doesn’t. And all these people will always see him as this “gem” of a guy and all I wanted was to break this spell he had over everyone. I wanted to be validated. To show them who he really was. What he did to me was not just a mistake he made or a series of bad choices, it’s who he was.  

I know I can’t really blame other people who don’t know the truth. They only have their own experience to go off of. But it’s so hard to reconcile the person that I knew with the one that everyone else did. We’re basically dealing with different people. And while it’s frustrating, I can’t be angry with them. Even the ones that know my story and still defend him. They just don’t have the same background that I do.  

This entire thing has made me question everything. My feelings are all over the place. I’m annoyed that everyone thinks he was a good person. How people who didn’t even know him are acting sad. I’m mad that he got to live his best life being adored by so many. I’m frustrated that no matter what I say, most people will never see him the way I do. Their experience of him is different and they will never see behind the mask. And I’m sad—sad that he’s gone, but even that is conflicting because at least now he can’t hurt anyone else. I’m also sad for the people who do genuinely miss him because they’re in pain.

I’m confused about how to express my feelings. I feel like I shouldn’t talk about how he mistreated me because he’s gone, but that doesn’t seem fair. My story is still mine to tell. It still happened to me. And I feel left out of the grief because everyone knew I didn’t like him, so it feels fake to show anything even close to grief. I want to be able to share my memories, but that feels fake too. It wasn’t always bad, but it doesn’t feel okay to talk about the good stuff either.  

There is no guidebook for navigating these intense feelings. And it’s hard to talk to anyone about it because it’s such a unique and specific situation. It feels like nobody could possibly understand how I’m feeling. They keep saying “no judgment” and it’s okay to feel what I feel. But it doesn’t feel ok. It feels like I will always be this person who is angry at the dead guy. The crazy ex, just like he always said. And then I start to feel like maybe I am. Sometimes it feels like I will never heal, but I have to remember that healing is not linear—some days will be easier than others. But we just keep moving forward as best we can.