What if you are sure you’ve found the one? No one has ever made you feel the same way that she does. You go over every scenario or possible future in your head, and there isn’t one where she isn’t the girl by your side. Right now, you might be remembering that scene from Infinity War where Dr. Strange is going through millions of outcomes and he tells Tony there was only one that they win.
You know that she is the only plan, but there’s one major obstacle.
She isn’t ready.
Maybe she has a past that’s going to take years to heal from. Possibly it’s her fear that’s holding her back. Or it might just be that she has no idea who she is and only time will teach her.
Do you feel like you have met that girl?
If you do, you may also notice something interesting about the tools and resources at your disposal to guide you through the process. Throughout the internet, you can find thousands of well-written articles, blogs, lists, and guides to loving the broken woman. A big one you will regularly see is “How to love the woman who’s survived abuse.” These resources are so incredibly accurate and genuine. Their authors have clearly poured real emotion into each of them. However, many of them share another common theme.
They tend to imply that you are already in a relationship with the woman you’re trying to better understand how to love. I would venture a guess that there are countless examples of men who are seeking advice and resources to help them during that tough period between falling in love and getting their girl.
Also, throughout the internet, there are an unbelievable amount of places for women to read about learning how to love again. Or how to trust. Or even how to attract the right guy once and for all. I personally think there should be no limit to available help for anyone. I say keep it coming.
But if you’re a dude like me, you may be scouring the web for a way to understand how to navigate the path to a very special one-of-a-kind type of girl’s heart. For all of her own fears, which are valid without a doubt, your one and only fear, the big one that controls you is getting this wrong and ruining your chance with her.
I found this girl three years ago.
Ever since, I too have endlessly searched for examples of my experience and any success stories that could bring me even the smallest glimmer of hope. Thankfully, after three years. I finally feel like I am in a place where maybe I can just provide some of the insight that I have long sought.
Although I am still very thick in the pursuit of my darling, I have over the past three years learned a great deal about how to do this. In the process, I have learned that love can be so strong between two souls that nothing, and I mean nothing, can erase the future that’s already written. No matter how hard we try to give it up and release our hope, if this thing is meant to be, you will see the signs. You will feel it deep inside.
The purpose of this writing is to help the guys out there who understand what it feels like to hope. An added benefit would be to express to the women that have lost hope that there are guys out there who want to try. They will research, they will seek help, they will educate themselves in an all-out effort to understand you. Because to them, you are everything.
For all their daydreaming, for all their hopes and desires, no outcome is void of your presence.
I know this because I live this every day. In all my attempts to shift my focus elsewhere, I learned over and over that I knew exactly how I wanted to feel about someone. My heart was already secured and no longer up for grabs. Nobody else was going to crack the shell around it.
So what to do with these feelings when she’s still not ready?
You must ask yourself: Are you playing for points? Or are you playing for keeps?
Below, I want to list several ways you can show that you’re playing for keeps. It doesn’t matter if you’re a month into it or if it’s been years like my scenario. If you’re still around, it’s because she wants you to be. In fact, there’s a chance you’ve already won her heart but her head just needs to catch up.
Buckle up…It can be a bumpy, twisty, scary ride.
When I first began the pursuit of my precious (go ahead and read that as Gollum), my best female friend of 20+ years challenged me.
“How long will you wait for her”?
Confidently, without pause, I said, “As long as it takes, or until she tells me not to.”
Giggling, she quipped, “What if it takes her 5 years?”
As matter of fact as I could sound in my response, I replied, “As long as it takes.”
Three years after that conversation, I’m writing this to share some hope for those who need it. To provide a resource to help navigate a common scenario that isn’t talked about much.
So, here we go. Let’s talk about some helpful tips for the guy who is still trying to get his girl. I am not listing these in any sort of ranking of importance. But to be clear. #1 is THE most important. From there, it’s a shared importance.
1. Be patient.
I cannot stress this enough. Nothing matters more than proving you know how to keep yourself together, no matter the circumstance. She may need space, she may be slow to respond to a message or return a call, she may be lost and afraid to drag you down with her that day, she may be worried that you are growing tired of her “baggage.” You might be asking yourself how patience could be more important than honesty or respect. There are countless reasons why. The main reason is, without first showing her that you can exhibit patience, you won’t even get close or far enough for the other big-ticket traits to matter. A girl who can’t see a clear display of patience will not let you in.
Example: When I met my beautiful, she was extremely limited for time. She was dealing with things so dark that I had no knowledge of. It took well over two weeks to connect outside of texting. It was that first get-together where I learned a bit about her situation. Considering that I knew right away I could totally fall in love with this woman, I was rather thankful I had never pushed or pressured to make that day happen any sooner.
2. Be honest.
This has far less to do with a lying tongue than you may assume. As incredibly important as honesty is in her ability to trust you, it is just as important that you are honest about how you feel. Do not keep your feelings in, only to blind side her with them later. That’s how you get “friendzoned”. Here is this super special girl who thinks she has a solid friend that isn’t hoping for anything more. She has the utmost comfort around you, opens to you, leans on you for support. Then you tell her you’re in love with her. That’s not just awkward for both of you, it’s a sign of dishonesty, because 100 times out of 100, that girl has already told you if she isn’t looking for romance. Allowing her to believe the same about you will hurt as much as any other lie you can tell her.
Example: At the onset of our friendship, she opened up to me about all the things she needed to overcome. She opened the door for me to run the other way. I wasn’t having any of that. I told her that she was worth waiting for. I was catching feelings and butterflies I hadn’t ever felt. She appreciated that and felt grateful that I was seeing so much in her when she couldn’t see it herself. That was her chance to tell me to run. She chose to lean into my honesty as a refreshing reminder that we aren’t all the same.
3. Be consistent.
This one sort of lumps in some other traits that build a beautiful bond. If you are surprised that this beautiful woman in all of her rarity and worth is available, I can assure you, so is she. Because she didn’t plan it this way. She is single because something tragic took place. She gave her all to the one before you and it didn’t work. She experienced damage that you can’t even stomach when you lay your very loving eyes on her. The only way to crack her shell is with consistency. If you’re a gift giver like me, don’t let up. Remember all the special days in her life and come through with your love. Find and create your own daily reasons to shower her with thoughtfulness. It doesn’t have to be expensive spoils. But it must be thoughtful, and it must be consistent. Words go a long way too. Be consistent in how to speak to her. Remind her all the time how much she matters. If you can manage to be a rockstar of words as well as gift giving, you will set a standard nobody else in her life can achieve.
Example. Not long after we met, her birthday snuck up on me. I knew it was exactly a month after mine because she had already asked for my sign. I barely, I mean barely, knew this girl, and I found myself at the mall picking out unique gifts that suited her perfectly. She knew I could sling words pretty well too. So, I penciled some verbal judo on her card and made it clear I was both a man of action and of words, both of which speak loudly.
4. Be respectful.
All women have boundaries. All women have a past that is ripe with people crossing those boundaries. As important as respect is in itself, the biggest area it comes into play is when it concerns boundaries. The mouth and the body. Speak with respect, touch with even more respect. There are probably countless examples in her memory bank of men who have specifically failed at these two things. Whether it was someone she was partnered with, an acquaintance at a house party, or a complete stranger in a public setting. Chances are, this woman has been verbally abused/accosted and or inappropriately touched more times than she will ever admit to you. With that in mind, respect her beyond anything she’s ever known. Always lead with kindness and love. Embrace her, pull her close, reach for her hand walking down the street. But never under any circumstance see her acceptance of your touch as a sign that things may be progressing physically. You won’t flatter her with your advances. But you will absolutely melt her heart with your respect.
Example: There was a time when the gorgeous and I were having a lighthearted conversation, and she suddenly stopped me.
“Can you hold that thought? I need to deal with this extremely disrespectful and assumptive text I just received.”
Unbeknownst to me (it wasn’t my business), she had recently developed a friendship with another male who apparently caught feelings and decided to pour them all out through a text full of assumptions and disappointment in her lack of reciprocation. What followed was her very matter of fact response that accomplished three things for me as a spectator.
This woman will NOT be disrespected.
-Something I had no personal worries of in terms of my behavior, but it was encouraging that she wouldn’t tolerate it from anyone else.
-It helped me fully understand how powerful respect was when I had expressed my feelings prior. I got to see firsthand the fate I would have suffered if I had chosen the same path as this other dude.
-She cared about her texting grammar. Okay, this is a funny one. But it was super attractive in the moment. She proofread her response about three times before sending. I remember saying “That was kinda cute.” She giggled and appreciated that I appreciated it.
5. Be understanding.
One of the most common things this woman has heard over the years is the famous two words—“I understand”—in response to any apprehension or pause that she may offer.
Here’s the problem: Rarely is it true and she knows it.
Those can be two of the emptiest words you can say to her. But you would never know it. She’s lost count of all the people that said that exact same thing and gave no effort to understand. If you are going to tell her that you understand, be prepared to put in the work to do so. You WILL get in your head, you WILL become confused, you WILL struggle with your own worth and value. But if you deal with that stuff behind the scenes and never make your shit her shit, she will actually feel like you understand. She will love you for that. That will make you one of the most important people in her life long before you become her partner. By understanding what she’s going through and putting in the work to educate yourself on it. You are showing her an effort she has never known. Had the last guy or the one before him made that effort. She wouldn’t be holding this place in your life that represents all your hopes and dreams.
Example: The moment I told her that she was worth waiting for and that I understood she wasn’t ready, I found myself researching the various pains she had shared with me. I went down the internet rabbit hole of educating myself on things like gaslighting, triggering, and narcissism. I wanted to know the details of the monsters she had experienced. I had to be sure that I knew these things so I could never trigger her, even inadvertently. Some of the smallest things that mean nothing to you could be a terrible memory for her. So it became my goal to actually “understand.”
Those are just my Top 5. Your situation may call for things that I have omitted here but I have a strong belief that if you have come as far as seeking resources to help you navigate this path. You are on the right track and you know exactly what has been left out. I imagine you’re already giving her a loyalty that she hasn’t asked for. I would bet money that other girls aren’t getting your attention in the same ways they used to. The hostess at dinner last night was adorable. But you forgot about her by the time she sat you down.
I can continue to lay out more reasons why an experience like this can be the most challenging and yet rewarding thing you will ever do. But for now, I just felt like sharing from the same perspective as the dude who came here to read this.
Because, just like you, I am the dude that is still trying to get his girl.