When You Finally Accept That You’re The Toxic One

Everybody wants to find the right person, but not a lot of people focus on being the right person. 

I’ve been in quite a few relationships. I’ve failed and I’ve cried and I’ve had to really question myself and what I’ve done wrong. It’s been hard for me to hold myself accountable for my wrongdoings. It wasn’t until I hurt someone I really loved and cared about that I realized how destructive I was. It wasn’t easy to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I needed help. I needed to fix the things about myself that I had no excuse for. 

I’ve been the one who has yelled in a person’s face, I’ve been the one threatening to break up, I’ve even been the one accusing someone of cheating even when it was illogical. I’ve talked shit about another person’s family, I’ve been controlling, I’ve been manipulative, I’ve done it all. My hope is that other people can relate and watch me go through this journey of trying to fix myself and that I can give them hope that they, too, deserve love. 

It’s been hard for me to forgive myself. It’s been even harder for me to accept the fact that there’s some things about me that I still don’t understand. How when someone gets close, I run away. When I feel happiness, I ruin it. When I love someone, I hurt them more than I help them. It’s been the hardest battle of my life to try to correct my wrongdoings. No matter what people may think, I truly despise myself for it, and I don’t want to be this way. It breaks my heart that I can’t just flip a switch and change it. I truly have to put the work in and unlearn so many things that are conditioned in me. I don’t want to be the way that I am. I want to accept love. I don’t want to hurt people. I want it to be easy, to be simple, and not fear the most incredible feeling of the human experience. 

It truthfully wasn’t until I had someone come into my life and show me pure love, acceptance, and patience that I then realized I needed to change. I don’t want to miss out on a once in a lifetime kind of love because of the demons in my own mind. I want to be better, for them. That will require true work and believing I am worthy of it, regardless of my past. 

The truth is, it’s easy to blame other people. To blame the events of what happened to me when I was younger. To want to go back in time and change things. But that’s not valuable. I have to take things into my own hands and learn to hold myself accountable no matter how hard that may be. I need to change for me and not let the excuses of the past get in my way. No matter what happened to me, I’m worthy of change and being happy. No matter what I’ve done, I could always do better and be better. I don’t have to stay committed to the person I was. I don’t want to be her. 

I know there’s a lot of people who can relate to this and are ashamed of having to go on this journey of self-improvement. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you need help or finding faults within yourself and working to correct them. What would be wrong is continuing to let this cycle repeat itself without any kind of remorse or self-reflection. We cannot expect perfection, but we can work towards something greater for ourselves. Who you are is up to you and what you choose to do with the resources in front of you.

It all comes down to this: I don’t want to keep repeating the same patterns and cycles. I have to hold myself accountable if I want to change. I have to face things head on. I can’t keep being destructive, and I have to trust that if I want to change, I will. If I put in the work, it’ll work.