When You Think About Me, I Hope You Remember This

Do you ever think about what you did to me? 

I doubt that you do. I’m sure it would be unpleasant. 

I imagine I was only an inconsequential blip on your radar; long ago and long forgotten (or at least, you want to forget). It’s very likely that it’s all a distant memory, dream-like, poorly remembered. Maybe you don’t even blame yourself, or maybe you think I should be over it by now because likely you are.

I don’t like wondering about it, that I let you have any more of my time. It’s been almost three years since my parents caught you with another woman. Since I felt the relief in that moment of having an escape route from you, your house, your rules, and your control. 

I don’t like that I hope you are remorseful. That I want you to also carry a burden around.

I hope what you have done has made you a better person today than you were yesterday. I want my pain to mean something, even if it means someone else doesn’t get hurt by you in the future. 

My reality is altered, and I’m positive it always will be. It’s better than it was before (due to a lot of hard work and paying therapists more than I could afford at the time). But you changed me, altered my resting state of mind. Made me skeptical of those who love me. Made me question intentions. Because of you, I created a huge safety net that I continuously add to in case I ever need to run again.

You made me question the idea of marriage. Of a forever. Of “the one”. I can’t see myself going through it all again. 

You are a virus inside of me. You alerted my DNA. Now I am learning how to live with you. 

This is survivable, but it’s unfair. 

I am mad that you took away my innocence. Stripped my self-esteem. Stole something that wasn’t yours. 

I will live a good life, a happy life with purpose. I will improve myself, challenge myself, and move through this life knowing that if I could make it through you, I can make it through just about everything. I will make sure not to take advantage of the good times, to notice the little things that make my days beautiful. I will give what I can to others (including sharing this) and try to be better than I was yesterday. 

I hope you will too.