Anastasiya Lobanovskaya

Why Does The World Make It So Hard To Be A Woman?

Society makes the rules for us, and we abide; if we don’t, we are pushed to the side. That is what we’re up against from the moment we take our very first breath, because those standards have been in place long before we were born. And even though the women of yesterday fought so hard for the women of today, the truth of the matter is we are still fighting a fight that will long continue.

Why? Because the definition of what it means to be a woman still isn’t in our control.

‘Is that how a woman should behave?’

Anyone who doesn’t meet the stereotypical standards of what it is to be a woman would have heard those condescending words from another person. Maybe more than once, and maybe from more than just one. It is derogatory, and that’s the point. You don’t meet their standards, and they have no intention of expanding their understanding of what it is to be a woman in a modern world. We are judged for our appearance, bodies, and traditions, but not our potential. 

To go against society’s predisposition isn’t a choice made lightly because of the backlash you may experience. Most likely, you’ll be made to feel different, and people will treat you as different. To them, they feel justified in doing so because that is the norm. Still, that behavior is destructive to levels they’ll never fully understand because they don’t deal with the consequences of those actions. It doesn’t just upset someone; it can shift the very essence of someone’s spirit, rip holes in happiness, and change behavioral patterns and character traits because people start living in ways that make sense to others instead of themselves.

A woman can literally be shamed into a life that she doesn’t want to live. 

It appears they are unhappy with our gender unless we put others first: Find a man, settle down, bear his children, and be responsible for them. Then support your husband while he brings in the money and you raise the children to be respectful members of society. If you choose to go against that consensus, you do so at your discretion. Your skin has to be thicker, your voice louder, your determination greater, and your resilience at the forefront of your character. However, these qualities have their own impediments for a woman. A woman who is seen as too ambitious is perceived as aggressive, selfish, and intimidating, which doesn’t just have negative reinforcements with men but can also cause a rift with other women. 

Whether in the workplace or social environment, women have normalized a subconscious reaction to the arrival of another woman—defensive positions! 

From an archaic standpoint, a woman always needed a man’s eye. To get the attention of the men in the room so they could be courted and given purpose, which meant other women were seen as competition. Even now, there is still an unwritten rivalry as if it was passed down from previous generations. I’m sure we have all caught a glare when entering a room or joining an already full table. We are pitted against our female counterparts because only a few spots are available for us, which is why we see one another as a threat, not an ally.

Now say you have gone after something different and managed to overcome our challenges regarding our coworkers or counterparts. There are still many more hurdles to jump when it comes to claiming your future as your own. Even though this is your life and your life alone, somehow, from society’s standpoint, you are still not trusted with it. Be prepared for an onslaught of invasive questions that will be fired your way.

“Why do you choose a career over finding a man or having a family? Do you really want to sacrifice your future happiness? What if your boyfriend doesn’t want to date someone more successful than he is? Have you thought about how you’ll feel when you’re still single in a few years? So, you want kids as well as a highly driven career. What makes you think you can have it all?”

And it’s not just the ignorant questions that we must face, we are also constantly reminded that our answers seem to rely on a timeline, and if you don’t tick those boxes at a certain age, you have either done it too soon or left it too late. The pressures put on a woman are exhausting, and guess what? If we show the emotions invoked by all these strains, we risk being labeled sensitive, irrational, and dramatic.  

Well, it’s time to say it loud and proud. 

IT’S EXHAUSTING! 

It seems the more upfront and honest we are about what we want, the more we want too much. Ultimately, we need to be put back in our place and reminded of where we should be, and this preconceived notion will not cease until we start opening our minds and feeling uncomfortable in our outdated comforts.

I have always questioned my worth as a woman because I’ve been constantly reminded that I am not doing right by my womanhood. This is a feeling I have carried for much of my adult life, as I always felt like I didn’t belong. I have felt the gaze of others’ condemnation when I spoke up about my choices and noticed their reaction when it wasn’t what a lady my age or social group should want. And for many years, this behavior made me believe that the problem was me. That I was doing something wrong, and I sometimes wonder if I would have accepted myself years ago for the woman I am now, would I have grown up with confidence or a better sense of self? Why did I think that the judgment that comes from others was better than my own? 

I didn’t follow the same path as my childhood friends, and I didn’t listen to my elders when they said I’d feel differently about all of this when I ‘grew up’. I wanted to focus on my career and had a different outlook, so, yes, I was made to feel different, and maybe this left me defensive, but when you’re made to feel that you’re what is wrong, you do end up defending yourself.

We turn against those who challenge what is in place—we see vulnerability as a weakness, confidence as arrogance, and kindness and femininity as qualities that keep us from being capable of excellence. We have grown up being told we are the weaker and lesser sex, and for some reason, we can still be gaslighted into this unfathomable and outrageous concept. 

I may not be what you think a woman my age, background, or heritage should be, but honestly, I am tired of living in the shadows of a stereotype I never related to anyway. I do not need to apologize or explain my feelings. I am no less of a woman because I have tattoos or because I choose to wear sneakers over high heels. A woman is no less of a woman if she wants to play video games instead of visiting a nail salon. The woman who chooses a sundress over a trouser suit can still hold the same level of authority, and a woman’s authority doesn’t need to be reinforced with dominance because she knows an open hand is as powerful as a closed fist. I support a woman’s right to choose, as much as I support the woman who raises her child, because standards will not fall if we invite every woman to the table. Instead, we will get a system that builds unity and absolution.

We still haven’t been given the right to decide what it means to be a woman, and isn’t it devastating that some people believe that that is something they give us instead of being something we should already have?! This thought track has made us wary of everyone, which is why every day can feel like we are preparing for battle from the moment we wake up, and why we unconsciously try to find flaws in one another as a way to feel better about ourselves. Yet, we all bring something unique and beautiful to the mix, which is why we should start being role models to each other and stop relying on others to tell us who we should be, how we should behave, and most importantly, what our definition is.

Despite the ridicule we are put through, the expectations we have to rise to, and the judgment we face, one thing remains clear: we do not fall. Deep down, our threshold for pain, physical and emotional, is greater than what we’re led to believe. That is why we keep going, no matter what is thrown our way or taken from us. Yes, the reality is, it is hard to be a woman, and if history has taught us anything, that isn’t going to change, but neither will our strength.

A woman’s power source always has and will always be in our ability to engage empathically. That is true for the motherly figure or the alternative representations of our gender. We know that compassion, civility, and comfort bring us closer. And when society stops attaching shame and ridicule to these qualities that should empower us, we can start to enforce an environment that leaves no woman behind.

Our future is for us to decide.