You are an extremely considerate person who actually cared about my own feelings as well as the experiences I went through, even the ones I have never been comfortable telling anyone. You were also extremely supportive of what I valued as well as the things I loved, such as my passions and hobbies. I have never been this satisfied, as well as comforted by a person who had treated others as individuals and saw people for who they were, and in this way, you have made it possible for conversations and relationships to feel easy because you were extraordinarily accepting of who others were, including my perfectionistic tendencies, insecurities, and even the mistakes that I’ve made throughout my life.
In some ways though, I think that you are extremely caring with others because you have always wanted others to not experience the same feelings you have been through. And in a lot of ways, you started to minimize your own experiences because your priorities as well as your own values weren’t being accepted by others, and through this you felt that your own experiences were also not deserving of receiving the love and attention it deserves.
Through this, you have learned to sacrifice a lot of your time and even most of yourself because when you attempted to ask for the things you’ve wanted, other’s weren’t as understanding or as patient, and this left you consistently contemplating why you were the one who always felt that others were taking advantage of who you were. In some ways, you stopped asking for what you felt like you deserved, and it was through this that others stepped on your boundaries and even your own values. You were the person who thought that simplifying your own problems and feelings was the easiest way to minimize conflict with others, and that somehow when you didn’t care too much, others wouldn’t care too much about you. A lot of the time, you didn’t even express your own opinions for fear of realizing that others may actually have seen you for who you felt you were—someone who wasn’t too deserving of other’s love and affection. In your experience, this seemed to work out another way to the point that other people and even your own friends saw a better version of yourself than you even thought was possible. I don’t even think you were ready to see yourself in a positive light, especially when it came from someone else’s perspective.
It can become increasingly difficult to admit to others what you feel because the more you repress your own negative feelings, the more you feel that you are alone in your experiences.
It can be hard to admit that you genuinely want your own needs and feelings to be taken seriously, as well as cared for. It can also be difficult to admit this to yourself when you are in the process of realizing that your own worth has never been tied to how others have viewed you, or how others have treated you in response to how they felt about themselves. You have had to see the world differently after being mistreated, and it was through this that you realized that others’ behaviors have never been a reflection of your own worth. But when others didn’t care too much about who you were as a person, you were also the one to internalize these experiences; you felt that the words you said didn’t matter, the experiences you went through weren’t significant to others, and that you didn’t deserve to be treated like a person.
I cannot tell you how much I wish you saw yourself as someone worthy of love and affection. I wish you didn’t have to go through difficult experiences and through multiple relationships to realize that even when you are the one who is hurting, much of what you realize is that you have always just wanted your own needs and boundaries to be respected. And in essence, you have always wanted your own values and opinions to be heard, seen, and validated too.
What happened that made you feel unworthy of other’s time? What was so devastating in your life that you collapsed under the pressures of others in which you wouldn’t even allow yourself to open up to others or allow yourself to be accepted? Why do you expect others to push you away when you are the person who has actually cared about others mentally and emotionally?
In my eyes, there may have been an influential experience in your childhood that started to define how you saw the world, how you wished to be treated, and how you wanted others to see you. And in a lot of ways, the ways in which you started to view yourself was somewhat negatively impacted by this experience to the point that you saw yourself as unfavorable in relation to how others have treated you in the past and to the point where it somehow defined your own worth. Through how you were raised, you were the person who didn’t want to minimize your own emotions for the sake of others, and even then, other’s have pushed on your boundaries to the point that you began to think that you may have been the problem. In your perspective, you didn’t want to be the cause of others’ problems, because you always felt that somehow it ended up being your fault or your burden to carry.
You have never even seen yourself as someone who was worthy of others’ love and affection, or someone who was even worthy of your own damn self. You are exceptionally hard on yourself as well as on your own insecurities and flaws, and through this, the only thing that I have realized through you is that you genuinely have not even treated others the same way that you decided to treat yourself. In many ways, you are the one person in the world who would minimize their own needs in order to satisfy someone else’s. And in a lot of ways, you have always thought that others might see you in a similar way to the way you saw yourself, and it was through this that you realized by maintaining your high walls and protective boundaries that the only person you needed to protect was you, too. Because when other’s couldn’t protect or accept you for who you are, you were understandably hurt and defensive, causing you to hide most of your personality, flaws, and insecurities. In some ways, no one has ever tried to protect you and this essentially instigated your fear to engage in self-protective behaviors that eventually had pushed others away.
I’m sorry that you were raised in an environment in which you couldn’t even tell when you were not fine. I’m sorry that you grew up feeling unworthy of others’ love and affection. When you are raised in an environment in which most of your needs aren’t met and when most of your experiences are minimized by others and lastly, even by yourself, you begin to see that it may be easier to not care too much when you can always care less.
I don’t want to be the one to tell you this; I genuinely don’t want to be the person who has to tell you of your worth. But I am just one person who can consistently see you for who you are, and who you even want to be. And when you want to be someone who is seen as successful, even your own worth as well as identity is still tied to others. Because you feel undeserving even when you can see your own self-worth, and it is through this that I have realized that you do know who you are, but you have never seen how others may have viewed you.
The version of yourself that you see is somewhat archaic; it is blinded by your own negative experiences as well as your humanness. You have never even seen yourself as a person either, and it is through this that I can’t even begin to tell you how deserving you are of what others call love. You have always lived your life thinking that it was better to not let others know how you may have felt; and it is through this that you have become an extremely understanding individual as well as empathetic in listening to other people’s experiences.
Thank you for always being so understanding of others and through their own experiences, and thank you for being someone who was easy to get along with. You may have been through difficult challenges as well as heartbreaking experiences in the past, but most of what you will realize is that through this, you still have worth and value as a human being. In essence, it is through this that you will find that there is a sense of satisfaction as well as relief in the stillness and comfort of people—you will eventually realize that you have always been worthy of the love and affection you seek.