You Hurt Me, You Broke Me, You Saved Me

I forgive you. 

Please don’t mistake my forgiveness as a sign of weakness. I am stronger now because I have learned to move on with my life and not let the pain that you’ve caused hurt me anymore. It may not make a difference to you now, and you can choose not to read this, but I have some things to say first.

You hurt me. 

You broke me.

You saved me.

All of these things have very different meanings, and I’d like to explain why. So I’ll start with the first.

When we first got together, it was under circumstances that were inconvenient and confusing. I had left someone for you. In my heart, you were the only person I wanted to be with. You were a person I told all my secrets to. You were a person I wanted to hold hands with. You were the one I wanted to wake up next to in the morning. You were my everything. I did anything for/with you. You were my best friend. So it’s sad to think that I didn’t receive that same amount of love in return—that’s what hurts. It hurts that I could give you a million reasons why I loved you and you couldn’t even give me one. It hurts that I brought you surprise coffees before work but you couldn’t even get me flowers or a card on our anniversary. It hurts that I spent a majority of my time with your family but you couldn’t even go to dinner with mine. It’s the little things that hurt the most.

I understand now that you were angry and upset about me not telling you sooner about me applying for a job far away. I understand that you were confused and sad that I took the job without asking or considering you first. What I need you to know is that even if I did do all of those things and more, I still would’ve gone, and I’m still going. I constantly replay our last conversation in my head over and over and over again every day. Every day I think about what you said to me. “You’re dead to me.” Every day I hear this in the back of my mind and think of me leaving your street blinded by my own tears. Pulling over before the highway in hysterics just to block you on every form of communication possible so I would never have to hear from you again. You left me broken. And the saddest part is, I didn’t want an apology, I didn’t care if you were sorry, because some things you just can’t take back. You broke my heart. You broke my spirit and you broke me. 

Lastly, thank you. Thank you for showing me that I deserve the moon and the stars and everything else in between. You saved me from becoming a person I wasn’t meant to be. I never want to be a spiteful, mean, or angry person. Unfortunately with you I was becoming those things, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for all the times I hurt you; I wish I never did. 

You are a very important person to me. You were my best friend before you were anything else, and I hope someday we can be friends again. I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect on our relationship and what we had that was truly special, but I can’t keep fighting for something that just isn’t there anymore. I’ve accepted the fact that moving on and letting go is more important than dwelling on what our relationship could’ve been. Now I need to let go and be strong for myself