You Will Always Be My Greatest ‘What If?’

It’s been so long since the last time we talked and I had to cut things off with you, but thoughts are still running through my mind, trying to find answers, trying to explain, trying to cope. I am sorry things had to end the way they did, but I need to state my truth so here you have it.

You have really meant a great deal to me, and I am sorry we could not stay friends. I really wish we could. Because if I was your friend, it would be for all the wrong reasons, and that would not be a friendship. I can’t tell you how sad this makes me, you not being willing or able to give me more than that. It just hits particularly hard and cuts my soul in ways I just can’t handle.

You see, I have always been the friend, my entire life, the person people like to talk to, the one they feel comfortable enough to share a lot of themselves with, and what I have been getting in return has always been less than what I wanted. This time was no different and I couldn’t allow this to keep happening. At times, many times I must admit, in our relationship (or “situationship”) I felt I was there to just serve your need of having someone who would listen and support, someone who could make you feel loved again during a time when you were dealing with the feeling of rejection that comes with a difficult break up. I felt I was being used emotionally to help you figure this out, to get over things, over her, to distract yourself from the pain you were in. And that’s what hurt me the most. Realizing you were not keeping me around because you were interested in me, but rather because you needed something from me: attention, sympathy, love. 

And because I cared so much, I accepted it, making excuses for what I knew deep down was actually really happening. You never really wanted me. And you made me feel it so many times it actually broke me. It triggered thoughts in me of not being good enough, not being worth fighting for or deserving of any kind of commitment. You have brought out all my biggest fears. You were telling me with words I deserved more but with your actions you were showing me something different.

It has brought me sadness, so much sadness. I felt yours and mine, combined, to a degree I was not able to handle. I felt your pain. Your struggles. Your heartbreak. I felt it all. 

And I wanted to make it better.

I wanted to be there for you.

I wanted to make you happier.

I wanted to make you see yourself in a different light. 

Truly, I wanted to be a different kind of person for you, but I have tried to be that to the point of exhaustion. I feel guilty for walking away, but you left me no other choice. The thought of disappointing you, like I know other people have done in the past in your life, still haunts me. But I have never felt appreciated for trying, and most importantly, you were not trying to do the same for me. 

I will probably never fully understand the reasons why you made loving you so hard for me and why you made me feel I was hard to love too. I will always think it had to do with me, but I have been trying to accept it for what it is.

Do I still think about you? Of course I do. And I really hope you are doing well, taking care of yourself, and moving forward with your life without me in it. 

I will be honest, it has been the saddest and most painful experience I have ever gone through, but I would probably do it all over again. ‘Cause I have learned a great deal, the most important thing being that I deserve happiness and someone who wants me, who makes me feel wanted, appreciated, beautiful, smart, and one of a kind, and someone who is excited to do life with me. It’s really sad that person can’t be you. But that’s okay. 

You will always be the biggest IF of my life, a question without an answer, the most captivating unfinished book of my life.