Your Wednesday nights have been set in stone for years. Wednesdays are for the girls–in this case, the Real Housewives. You’ve been a superfan forever, but it may be time to hang up your Alex Perry knock-off dress and give up on the reality TV franchise. If your love for the Real Housewives has gone from occasional entertainment to rabid, unquestioning fandom, you might want to shut off the TV and go read a book or something.
You never have time for anything–or anyone–else.
Look, at this point watching the Real Housewives could be a fulltime job. With 12 locations, countless seasons and 20 spin-offs, you’d have no time for anything if you wanted to watch it all. And if that’s what you’re doing, likely your social and family life has suffered. Girl, get real.
You talk about the cast like you know them IRL.
“OMG, did you hear what Kyle said?” “I feel so bad for Luann and her divorce. She deserves better.” Your conversation starters are likely being met with confused looks. Who’s Kyle? Who’s Luann? It isn’t until you clarify that you’re talking about the Housewives that people sigh and roll their eyes. Girl, these are not your friends, so quit acting like you know them personally.
You’ve bought all the cast’s products and side hustles.
Skinnygirl cocktails? Check. An ultra expensive dinner at SUR? Check. If it has a Housewife’s name on it, you’ll shell out the money for it. Now be honest, are these products and experiences actually good? Or are you just buying it because you’d be a fake fan if you didn’t?
You know all the words to “Chic C’est La Vie.”
It wouldn’t be a season of Real Housewives without a terrible song sung by a Housewife and produced with their scads of money. We can all safely admit that every single one of those songs is terrible. Even so, you’re such a superfan that you have even the worst of them memorized. “Gold, diamonds, caviar, life is but a dream.”
You have opinions on the Hamptons and Dubai…and you’ve never been anywhere near there.
You talk about luxury destinations as if you’ve been there. If you can rattle of the best and worst places to spend time on the beach, yet you’ve never left your land-locked state, it’s time for a newsflash. You can’t know a lot about a vacation destination by watching Real Housewives no matter how much you want to live vicariously through them. You’ve never been there, Jan.
You think it’s totally normal to get wasted and fight with your friends every night.
If you gain anything from this article, I hope it’s the knowledge that the scenarios on Real Housewives aren’t realistic. Please don’t think that it’s normal or okay to get blackout drunk with your friends while throwing drinks in their faces.
You’re going into massive debt trying to keep up with the Housewives lifestyle.
Listen, not only are these women filthy rich, but they don’t even pay for most of what they have. Their dresses are given to them by designers so they get publicity. They get drinks and meals comped. And remember: They’re being paid by Bravo to do all this. Unless you’re a multi-millionaire, you can’t live the lifestyle they have.
You’ve replaced all your good quality friends with “frenemies.”
You live for the drama. You want the explosive fights of your favorite “reality” TV show, so you’ve bounced your sweet and caring friends for the ones who talk shit about you behind your back and to your face. Oh boy, that’s unhealthy. Maybe you should switch to nicer TV , like The Great British Baking Show.
Your IRL friends are always busy now, and you have no idea why.
Heck, maybe your friend group has just kind of disappeared. They say they’re busy with work or family, but you keep peeping them posting group pics on Instagram without you. Maybe they’re too sick of your insistence on manufactured drama or that you never shut up about the Real Housewives. Honestly, I feel for you.
You want to trick a rich man into marrying you just so you can be on the show.
Fame isn’t everything. Especially when you’re famous for a show where all you’re really doing is fighting and drinking while wearing expensive outfits. I hate to tell you what to do (no, I don’t) but don’t strive to go on the show. Just don’t.