10 Relationship Red Flags From Couples Therapists

“Contempt. When I experience true contempt from someone in the relationship, I know it is usually over. Look towards a peaceful ending at that point if possible.” — threerottenbranches

“Control to an excessive amount. I most commonly see partners having to send pictures holding up a certain number of fingers or proving that it’s a live picture. This is abuse.” — crode080

“When one person knowingly prioritizes their own wants and needs over their partner’s. Relationships like this are often doomed because the person simply doesn’t care enough to make any meaningful change.” — ocelot_piss

“Couples in a tit for tat arrangement. For example: I cheated, so you can have one night to cheat with whomever. Or I violated your trust and did drugs, so you can go out and do whatever for one night. It erodes trust and compounds the hurt.” — crode080

“What-aboutism. Instead of taking ownership and responsibility for their contribution to the degradation of the relationship, one or both parties simply point out an example of the other exhibiting a similar behavior. It’s a red flag because it illustrates their lack of self awareness and poor communication skills. Communication is key when trying to mend a tattered relationship because without respectful communication the conflict-recovery process can never begin.” — BeDazzledBootyHolez

“When one person is entirely dependent on the other, especially at a relatively young age. I mean financially and emotionally. These are typically young women (sometimes young men as well) who do not work, do not have children, stay home all day and have no friends or hobbies outside of hanging out with their spouse. Very unhealthy, and a huge red flag. Always ends in a painful and messy breakup. Generally, we try to get them to find a friend, join a community, get a job or volunteer – something to provide them with self worth and personal fulfillment outside of their spouse.” — milksteaknjellybean

“One of the biggest red flags I see when working with a new couple is when they’ve totally forgotten the good. Part of relationship therapy is reconnecting a couple with what they like about each other, what initially attracted them to each other, and what the positives are between them. When people come in and they’ve been so unhappy for so long that they actually can’t remember what it was like to be in love, or to even like each other, they’re just about hopeless. You don’t have to be happy for therapy to work–but if you can’t even reminisce about the good times, then the good times are probably over.” — TiredMold

“Overbearing parents and in laws. I understand there’s a ton of cultural nuance here, and I work with couples who have arranged marriages, as well as the south Asian community. However, when a spouse is more allied with their parents and calls them on speakerphone for fights, or often speaks ill of their partner to their parents, I usually see these couples stay very unhappily married for years. It’s sad.” — crode080

“One partner says they’re seeking your services to help them determine if they want to stay together; the other partner says they’re seeking your services to make it so they stay together. Then it’s about highlighting the points and allowing the person who is on the fence decide what they want, since the other person knows.” — ChickenSoup4theRoll

“Constant, needless escalation. When ‘I don’t think we need this expensive thing’ is escalated to ‘you don’t really love me’ – major problem. It shows up quickly in therapy if you’re watching for it. Mostly because the one using this to avoid accountability is almost guaranteed to play this card in relation to therapy itself, either ‘I had to drag them here’ or ‘they’re just trying to break up with me.’ What they’re doing is avoiding conversation about the issue by blowing it up into a bigger problem than it is, so they can make the other person respond to their feelings rather than dealing with their concerns.” — PsychoPhilosopher