11 Concrete Signs They’re Not Your Twin Flame – They’re Just a Narcissistic Jerk

We live in a beautiful new era where many different spiritual paths, faiths, and beliefs are readily available. One of these concepts is the idea of the “twin flame,” the twin mirror and half of our soul who we are meant to change the world with. However, many people take the concept of the twin flame too far and rationalize harmful and destructive relationships. Narcissistic manipulators also prey on such spiritual beliefs to keep their victims ensnared in abusive relationships. Whether you believe in twin flames or not, it’s important to distinguish these spiritual concepts from what is, in reality, a toxic relationship. Here are surefire signs they’re not your twin flame or divine counterpart – they’re just a narcissistic jerk. 

This person blows hot and cold on purpose to keep you hooked.

One of the popular ideas of the twin flame phenomenon is that the dynamic includes a “runner” and a “chaser.” A manipulative person who’s pretending to be your soulmate, your twin flame, or your divine counterpart may shower you with attention in the beginning to hook you, but will likely run when you attempt to deepen the relationship and put you in the position of the chaser even though they initially pursued you. On the other hand, an authentic partner will remain solid and grounded in their respect for you. It’s true that real love can be scary, but authentic, healthy love won’t be founded on inconsistency and mind games. 

Your sense of “awakening” with this person is emotionally turbulent or toxic. 

Celebrating the idea that we are always meant to have a brutal awakening in romantic relationships can lead us to dangerous waters if we’re not careful. The awakening you feel with someone you’re truly meant to be with will feel less like an abusive, chaotic wildfire and more like a calm and peaceful hearth. Instead of birthing self-destruction, a healthy partner will “awaken” more of your gifts and strengths – not your grief. 

They use your spirituality against you rather than using it to genuinely bond with you. 

Narcissists and otherwise toxic people assess your spiritual beliefs for different reasons than regular partners. They want to know how they can use these beliefs against you so that you’re more willing to forgive their transgressions. If they sense you will be overly compassionate, they’ll turn on the sob stories and pity ploys to manipulate you into serving their needs and constantly turn the other cheek. 

You find yourself constantly exhausted, not nourished by this relationship. 

You find yourself depleted by this relationship on a daily basis. This toxic partner manufactures arguments out of thin air, treats you with disrespect and contempt, neglects your needs, and makes you believe you’re asking for too much when you’re just asking for the bare minimum. Many people confuse enduring this pain and mistreatment as a sign that they are fighting for a love worth fighting for rather than holding on too tightly to what will destroy them. Ask yourself: does a true “soul awakening” and “enlightenment” include you being too exhausted to even tend to your mission in the world or your mental health? Didn’t think so.

They don’t help you “purge” your past traumas, fears, or insecurities – they just add more of them – and the “dark night of the soul” lasts forever. 

One of the beliefs in the twin flame concept is that twin flames help “trigger” wounds, fears, and traumas, bringing them to the surface so we can finally heal them. There is a milestone in the twin flame journey known as “the dark night of the soul” – a final purification before “reunion” with the twin flame. If you’re dealing with a toxic or narcissistic partner, they will definitely bring up past wounds – but they will do so deliberately to antagonize you while creating new traumas. In a relationship with a narcissist, the dark night of the soul seems to last forever and there is very little purification or healing. The true healing begins when we’ve gotten away from the narcissist for good. 

You live in lies, not in holy truth. 

When you’re with the person you’re truly in sync with, there isn’t a need to lie or misrepresent yourself. The person you’re with doesn’t lie or misrepresent themselves either. Narcissists are pathological liars and gaslighters who distort the truth frequently to keep you walking on eggshells around them. In toxic relationships you don’t feel grounded in any kind of certainty or truth – your perception of reality is knocked off-kilter.

You question your self-worth or irreplaceability.

A healthy partner who you are meant to be with won’t make you feel like you’re disposable. They won’t drop hints that they are looking to replace you or seek outside sources of cheap validation. Toxic narcissistic partners will provoke jealousy on purpose and make you feel like you have to compete for them.

Healthy partners hold up an authentic mirror to all your potential. The narcissist presents you with a fun-house mirror that makes you view yourself as the opposite of who you are. 

The narcissist engages in all sorts of identity erosion and distortion to give you a skewed self-image. This keeps you under their control and compliant to their abuse. When you’re made to feel you aren’t worthy of better treatment, you’re less likely to detach from a toxic person or leave. 

You can be your true self around a healthy partner – with a narcissist, they have a false self and you’re forced to put on a mask to survive too.

 Being with a divine counterpart feels like coming home to your true self – you feel free to be exactly who you are without having to constantly overexplain or defend yourself against irrelevant nitpicking remarks or false accusations. When you’re with a toxic partner, joy and spontaneity become a thing of the past. You feel drained by crazymaking arguments that have caused you self-doubt. You no longer feel hopeful or open. You feel like you have to hide aspects of yourself so they won’t be attacked or scrutinized by the toxic partner. 

Your vulnerability opens up an avenue for further connection with a healthy partner. With a narcissist, it creates an opportunity for further exploitation. 

With a healthy partner, trust and safety are the default way of life. They don’t give you any reasons to doubt their devotion to you nor do you feel uncomfortable being vulnerable around them. While you ultimately heal yourself, they are the nurturing guide by your side who makes you feel loved, encouraged, and cherished while doing so. Narcissists, on the other hand, weaponize your worst traumas, fears, and insecurities against you to destabilize and terrorize you. 

You can pursue your dreams and goals with ease with a healthy partner. Narcissists are pathologically envious and will seek to dim your light and make you shrink. 

Narcissists will hypercriticize and deflate your greatest accomplishments and strengths because they feel threatened by your success and your ability to find validation outside of them. A healthy partner or “twin flame” will bring you closer to what makes you feel most fulfilled and successful rather than tearing you apart. They will bring you closer to your true mission in this life and will often co-create with you in changing the world and join hands with you in contributing to the greater good – together.