4 Concrete Signs He’s Not Just Emotionally Unavailable — He’s A Narcissist

Most narcissists are emotionally unavailable to some extent, but all emotionally unavailable people are not narcissists. Here are four key differences to figure out whether you’re dealing with someone who is “just” emotionally unavailable or someone who has more destructive narcissistic tendencies and traits.

The reasons narcissists get into relationships are different and far more sinister. 

Emotionally unavailable people may be unavailable because of a recent break-up, past traumas, or because they are lacking in areas that would contribute in healthy ways to their relationships and intimacy. Some emotionally unavailable people subconsciously and unwittingly pursue partners who are also emotionally unavailable or have traits they know ultimately aren’t compatible so they can mitigate the risk of getting “too” attached or overestimate their ability to be in a relationship. Some emotionally unavailable people may be so afraid of getting hurt that they distance themselves from relationships altogether. Narcissists and psychopaths generally have a pattern of purposely getting into a series of relationships to hurt and exploit others to gain power and control. They do not stop searching for partners regardless of whether they’re in a relationship and rarely take a break to “heal” from past relationships because they’re the ones doing the hurting and do not develop genuine attachments to anyone. Narcissistic and psychopathic individuals enjoy excessively flattering, future-faking, love bombing, and later devaluing their targets. They experience a special euphoric “high” from the sense of superiority they feel by pulling the wool over people’s eyes and getting people who would otherwise not pursue them to chase them. They deliberately orchestrate a cycle of idealization and devaluation because they want you to beg for their attention and affection – it makes them feel desirable and superior even if they are not. 

Narcissists and psychopaths exploit you without empathy or remorse.

Emotionally unavailable people who are not narcissistic will likely feel regret, guilt, and sorrow if they ever hurt others. They will usually understand any mistakes or harm, if any, they caused and will typically not make many excuses for their behavior. They are more likely to self-correct their current course of behavior and prevent more harm from happening. For example, an emotionally unavailable person who realized they were dating someone who was not compatible with them will usually opt out of exploiting you for further agendas like sex. They will not give you false hope – they will actively avoid circumstances that would give you that hope or situations that would essentially consist of using you. They will take accountability and will not pursue you again once they recognize their mistakes. Those with narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies will pursue you even after they’ve harmed you to see whatever resources you can provide: whether it be sex, attention, praise, money, a place to live, or emotional nourishment. They will keep you as part of their “harem” to tap into these resources whenever they like on their terms and their timetable. Unlike someone who is “just” emotionally unavailable, the narcissist or psychopath has no regret and very little empathy or remorse when it comes to using and abusing you (even if they feign remorse or crocodile tears to get back in your good graces). They will keep you around so long as it benefits them even if it results in dire consequences for you. They will not hesitate to profit off your energy, time, and labor under false pretenses, even if it means causing you great harm or distress – in fact, they’ll continue repeatedly harming you regardless of the distress you share or disclose to them, and some may even take a sadistic pleasure in witnessing your pain. To identify this key difference, look at their repeating patterns of cruel and callous behavior. Have you communicated and overcommunicated to them how their behavior hurts you? Do they keep doing it regardless? You have your answer: there’s something far more devious than emotional unavailability going on here. 

To a narcissist or psychopath, your pain makes them feel significant and they will deliberately blow hot and cold to devalue you or make you jealous to keep you under their control. An emotionally unavailable person is usually just trying to avoid pain altogether. 

Emotionally unavailable people are all about self-protection. If they’re not looking for anything serious, they’ll usually tell you outright because being casual in dating is less risky for them than a relationship. They typically won’t lead you on unless they’re unaware they’re emotionally unavailable – and even then, they will withdraw immediately without trying to scam you into further investing in them or sleeping with them. Narcissists and psychopaths, on the other hand, manufacture chaos and cause pain on purpose and will lead you on for as long as they desire just to get what they want – they are notorious for coming back to past partners just to see whether they can still extract fuel from them. They will also provoke jealousy on purpose and pursue multiple partners at once to deliberately make you compete for them. It gives them a sense of power to be able to control your emotions – so they’ll blow hot and cold intermittently to get you addicted to them. These types will neg and belittle you on purpose to make you feel less confident, especially if they recognize that you’re out of their league. They may flatter you immensely in the beginning, only to hypercriticize all the positive traits and qualities they once praised. They have no qualms about promising you a dream relationship, marriage, and a happy family life in the beginning – and never fulfilling any of these promises so long as it means they can get in your bed and inside of your head. 

Narcissists are unwilling to change or engage in introspection and self-reflection because their manipulative ways of life meet their needs. Emotionally unavailable people have the capacity to evolve and the ability to work on themselves. 

Although emotionally unavailable people may not have all the tools yet to engage in healthy ways in relationships, most are capable of introspection, basic communication, and change. They may reevaluate their relationship patterns in therapy and better identify how to become more emotionally available. Narcissists and psychopaths lack the willingness and capacity for change; these callous traits and manipulative behaviors are usually hardwired in them since they were young, and they have a core lack of empathy and remorse. The more you try to communicate your needs and boundaries to them, the more they’ll trample on your rights and violate your boundaries. That is why they gaslight you with a fury whenever you try to hold them accountable – they want to keep you obedient and compliant, servicing their needs. In fact, research shows they become even more manipulative in therapy as they learn new tools to mimic empathy to violate the boundaries of others more underhandedly and covertly. Although they lack the affective empathy to care about the harm they cause to others, these toxic types possess and use “cognitive empathy” to zero in on your desires and needs so they can morph into the ideal partner temporarily, only to traumatize you deeply. 

The Big Picture

It’s important that you carefully consider the repeated behavioral patterns of people you date or have relationships with. Whether they’re emotionally unavailable or narcissistic, the key is discerning whether their behavior has been harmful to you. If someone lacks the capacity for empathy and change, they are not the right partner for you or anyone. Narcissistic and psychopathic partners can cause a great deal of emotional distress and trauma. It is wise to spend your time and energy detaching from these types and exiting the relationship rather than attempting to change them.