4 Concrete Signs You’re Not In Love (You’re Just Enmeshed)

An enmeshed relationship is one in which one party becomes so enveloped and concerned about the other person and their needs that they lose sight of themselves and their own needs.

If you’re in an enmeshed relationship, you may feel as though you’ve found your soulmate because everything you feel and experience with them is so intense. But feeling something strongly doesn’t mean it’s right. And, besides, a healthy, lasting partnership is one that should be safe and secure. Passion will only take you so far before it burns out.

Here are four concrete signs they’re not your soulmate (you’re just enmeshed).

1. You take on their emotions as if they were your own, especially their “bad” feelings.

If your partner is upset, you feel even more uneasy than they do because you want to fix it for them and take away their pain. You feel completely responsible for regulating their feelings. This is a sign of an enmeshed relationship because, in a healthy partnership, each partner can rely on each other for support but ultimately understands that each person is in control of their own emotional responses and regulation.

2. You hate spending time apart from your partner.

Having separate interests, friendships, and hobbies is a vital component of developing a sense of self outside of a relationship and keeping the partnership healthy. In an enmeshed dynamic, however, you struggle to invest in solo time. You feel anxious whenever your partner is doing something without you. This is because you define yourself by your relationship. Without them, you feel lost.

3. Boundaries are lacking within your relationship.

Boundaries help set expectations in a relationship, and these can include both physical and emotional varieties. In an enmeshed relationship, boundaries are lax if not completely absent. The lack of boundaries may present as little space, no privacy, and/or respect.

4. You always place your partner’s wants, needs, and feelings above your own.

You treat your partner’s wants, needs, and feelings are more valid and important than yours. You may even go as far to suppress or ignore your own emotions and needs so there is only room for theirs. You do this to stay complacent, to be agreeable, and to avoid conflict. But what you fail to realize is that you’re losing yourself in the process. The truth is that you matter just as much as your partner. The right person won’t ask you to sacrifice everything you are and what you want and need in order to keep them. Untangle yourself from your enmeshment because you deserve better.