5 Concrete Signs It’s Not Love, They’re Just Playing Mind Games With You

Is it love? Or is it manipulation and mind games? Here are five concrete signs your partner may be playing twisted psychological games to keep you focused on them and to have more power and control over you.

They blow hot and cold, love bombing you one minute and withdrawing the next.

You initially felt like you met your soulmate, yet now you feel caught in the chaos of a toxic relationship. They first mirrored you, making you feel like you two were destined to meet – now they bring destruction to your life by mistreating you. Unpredictable love creates an addiction in the brain, moreso than even the craving we develop when experiencing stable love. You start becoming fixated on them, wondering what they’re thinking and doing. This kind of “frustration-attraction” we develop with hot and cold partners is why we find it so difficult to detox from people we know are toxic for us. If your partner is love bombing you one minute, showering you with flattery and praise, only to withhold affection and attention the next, it’s not because you’re truly in love. It’s because you’re experiencing an emotional rollercoaster that’s affecting your craving for the next dopamine fix.

They take pleasure in making you jealous.

You’re dating someone new, and they start mentioning their ex. Or your current partner keeps mentioning how many people have crushes on them. Sound familiar? They may be using a mind game known as jealousy induction to pit you against potential love prospects and get you to compete over them. Usually, such a method is transparent enough to make you detach quickly, but other times, this manipulation can be far more insidious. It’s the “girl best friend” who seems suspiciously flirty that you feel you can’t call out, or a co-worker who they insist is just platonic. They seem to take joy in making you squirm and creating a competition for their attention because it makes them feel valuable. These manufactured love triangles are meant to destabilize you. Take heed and trust your instincts.

They “neg” you with backhanded compliments designed to make you feel insecure.

Healthy relationships will make you feel secure. You will feel assured of your irreplaceability and lovability in a healthy relationship. With a narcissistic or otherwise toxic person who is playing mind games, however, you will be made to feel off-kilter and on edge. Even when they’re complimenting you, they may be negging you by minimizing or detracting from their praise. For example, they may say they love your dress and that you’re “brave” for wearing it, implying there’s something wrong with your outfit. These negs are usually targeted toward partners they know are out of their league in order to make you more dependent on their validation and approval. By lowering your perceived value, they get to feel superior in a way they otherwise wouldn’t.

You never know where you stand in the relationship and find yourself walking on eggshells.

A person who plays mind games will make you feel like a girlfriend or boyfriend, but will hide under the, “I don’t do labels” manipulation tactic to avoid commitment. Or they might come on very strongly in the beginning, only to withdraw as soon as they’ve gotten what they’ve wanted (usually sex, but sometimes an ego stroke or just attention in general). Instead of just pursuing partners who want a more casual relationship just like them, they will deliberately exploit you and enjoy your romantic affection without any obligations. That’s because they don’t want someone who just wants sex from them: they want someone who feeds their ego. They want to come and go as they please from your life, while leaving you attached to them and pining for them. They get a special thrill and duping delight from having other people “commit” to them and remain loyal to them while they are off running around doing whatever they desire.

Attempts at holding them accountable lead to diversion tactics meant to confuse and disorient you.

When you try to have a productive discussion with a toxic person about where this relationship is going, they’re likely to stonewall you by shutting down the conversation or by gaslighting you into believing you’re going crazy. You are blamed for bringing up any issues in the relationship at all and are inevitably silenced. This isn’t healthy love: this is emotional abuse. You deserve better than mixed signals and mind games. You deserve respect, safety, and security.