6 Signs You’re Codependent (And Need To Heal)

Codependency is a psychological behavior of self-abandonment, self-disconnect, and self-sacrifice. It’s a lack of self-worth and a deep-rooted need for approval from others. According to psychologists, codependency is “one-sided, casting one person in the role of constant caregiver.” Codependent behavior can affect not only the relationship with yourself but with others too.

Here are some signs you might be codependent:

Difficulty setting boundaries

You might have difficulty establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. This includes overcommitting, people-pleasing, sacrificing self-care, and always being available as a means of wanting to please others not wanting to disappoint them.

When you have a hard time setting and maintaining clear boundaries with people, they might take advantage of that. If you don’t see your boundaries as something to respect, then other people won’t either. If you don’t assert yourself and value yourself, then this can lead to shattered self-worth and resentment towards others–and yourself.

When you’re codependent on others, you might have a hard time having boundaries with others’ emotions. You might take on other people’s feelings. I’m an empath, you say, and maybe you are. But if you’re taking on the emotional burdens of others and feel responsible for their happiness, that’s not healthy. That’s not empathy, that’s codependency.

Low self-esteem

You might struggle with your own self-worth and self-trust. You rely on validation and reassurance from others. If you have codependent issues, your worth relies a lot on what others think of you. You might take things personally. For example, let’s say you’ve been talking to someone for a couple of months and they lose interest or decide they don’t want a relationship after all. That’s on them! But you automatically assume it’s your fault that made them lose interest–you’re not good enough, you’re not funny or fun enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not attractive enough. In reality, it’s a choice they made for their own reasons and it might not have anything to do with you.

People-pleasing behavior

There’s a difference between selflessness and self-sacrificial abandonment. You do things not because it makes you happy or fulfilled, but because it makes other people happy and fulfilled. You want to make sure everyone else is having a nice time. You avoid conflict and even take the blame as means of wanting to keep the peace–even if an argument is needed and justifiable. You swallow your anger and anxiety and any other feeling that could cause a problem to avoid upsetting others. You want peace and harmony, so you’ll sacrifice your own needs and suppress your feelings.

Neglecting self-care

Being codependent means you prioritize the needs of others over your own well-being. If they’re content, you’re content. You might even feel guilty or feel anxious when doing something for yourself. You neglect self-care, like pursuing your own hobbies or taking care of your physical health, or doing things that bring you joy, simply because you’re taking care of other people.

For example, let’s say someone you to come over late at night. You were going to do a face mask and watch a movie in bed, but you fear that if you don’t go to their place, they will lose interest and leave you. So you abandon your self-care plans to fulfill their needs. That’s codependency.

Difficulty making decisions

When you are codependent on others, you rely solely on their opinion of you. You don’t trust yourself enough to make decisions, take action, or do anything. Assertiveness? Never done it. Taking charge? Nope, not for you. You fear that you could make a mistake and someone will judge you for it. You’re afraid you’re not good enough–but only because someone else might think so.

Fear of abandonment

Codependent individuals often have an intense fear of being alone or abandoned. In some cases, it’s not love. It’s an attachment. It’s a means of filling a void. It’s a fear of being alone, unwanted, rejected, unloved. If you’re codependent, you might go to great lengths to avoid rejection or being separated from someone, even if that means tolerating unhealthy or abusive situations. You will settle for an unfulfilled relationship and idealize your partner simply because you don’t want to be alone. This is something to be worked through and unpacked in therapy.

If you are codependent, don’t be so hard on yourself about it. As humans, it’s natural for us to need other people. But when it becomes toxic or unhealthy, that’s when we need to do some work toward healing. Be gentle with yourself.