8 Concrete Signs It’s Not Love (You’re Just Settling)

There is a difference between being in love and being attached to someone. Love is selfless, tender, secure, and free, whereas attachment is selfish, restrictive, and codependent. When you’re attached to someone, you are ultimately settling in one way or another.

Settling in love isn’t easy to admit, let alone recognize. It’s a subtle and gradual process.

Here are some signs it’s not love, you’re just settling:

You’re not passionate anymore.

You’re not passionate about the relationship anymore. You don’t feel excited when your partner walks into the room. You don’t want to jump their bones and make out with them the way you once did. Your sex life is unfulfilling. You don’t get butterflies when they text you. There’s no spark or enthusiasm anymore–it has completely faded away.

You have a fear of loneliness.

When you’re settling in love, you’re ultimately filling a void of some kind. And that void is loneliness.

You’re staying in the relationship because you are dependent on them. According to psychologists, codependency stems from a lack of self-worth and a deep-rooted need for approval from others. (Sorry but it’s true.)

You’re also staying in the relationship because you’re afraid of being single and alone, and that shouldn’t be the case. You should be with someone who you genuinely love and are genuinely happy to be with, not just because they make you feel less alone.

You’re lowering your standards.

If you’re settling in your relationship, you are ultimately lowering your standards for what you want in a partner and a relationship. Maybe you accept mistreatment. Maybe your partner doesn’t meet your bare minimum needs and you don’t speak up to ask for what you deserve. Maybe you have ultimately resigned yourself to the relationship, believing that this is the best you can do. “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

You deserve more. Your needs aren’t too much. Your standards aren’t too high. You’re simply settled in a relationship with the wrong person.

You’re feeling underappreciated and unsupported.

If you’re feeling unappreciated or unsupported in your relationship, then there’s a good chance you’re settling. Your partner should support your goals, dreams, and ambitions. They should lift you up and make you feel good, secure, confident, and unstoppable. They should be proud of you and want to show you off. Their lack of support and unappreciation is not something you should settle for.

You’re emotionally detached.

You might be feeling emotionally detached in the relationship. You don’t feel a strong emotional connection with your partner anymore. You don’t have those deep conversations anymore. You don’t feel that compassion and tenderness towards them or the relationship anymore. Overall, you’re just numb.

You’re comparing your relationship to others.

If you see your friends in relationships and think, They look so happy. Am I happy like that? there’s a good chance you’re settling in your relationship. You’re comparing your relationship to others and feeling a bit unfulfilled and like you should be happier. You can’t help but feel like something is missing like everyone else has a perfectly happy relationship and you don’t. Not only are you comparing your relationship to others, but you might also find yourself often daydreaming about being in a different, more fulfilling relationship with someone else. You wonder what would that be like.

You’re ignoring your gut feelings and the red flags.

This is one of the biggest signs you are settling in love. You ignore the red flags and continue on wearing the rose-colored glasses. You don’t acknowledge your gut feelings and instead, you suppress them. You do this simply because you’re afraid of being alone or having to start over.

You’re feeling complacent, not comfortable.

There’s a difference between comfort and complacency. When you’re comfortable in your relationship, you are more than likely safe with your partner. You feel secure and content. When you’re complacent, however, you’re ultimately letting yourself remain stuck in the relationship simply because it’s familiar, not because it brings you security, fulfillment, and happiness.