8 Concrete Signs You’re Not In Love (You’re Just Attached)
How do you know if you’re really in love with someone or if you’re simply just attached to them? Let’s talk about it.
You’ve become dependent on them for happiness.
When you’re in love with someone, you trust them to be there for you when you need them, but overall, you’re okay on your own. You’re content by yourself and you know your worth. But when you’re attached to someone, you become dependent on them for validation. You rely on them heavily to be your source of happiness, love, and comfort. They make me happy.
Someone shouldn’t make or break your happiness — you should find that happiness with yourself and let them merely add to it. Your emotional well-being, self-worth, and happiness are things that you should find within yourself. To quote Harry Styles, “Fill up your own cup and let them fall in love with the overflow.”
You have a fear of being alone.
There is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Psychologists say that being “alone” is about the physical state of not being with another person whereas being “lonely” is a psychological state of feeling emotionally disconnected from others.
The thought of not being with your partner makes you anxious. You might also be quick to assume the worst like they’re cheating on you or they suddenly have lost feelings for you simply because you’re not physically together at that present moment. If it’s real love, you wouldn’t be feeling this way. You would trust your partner. You would give each other your necessary space. You wouldn’t be nervous they were gonna pack up their things and leave you randomly. You wouldn’t have to constantly ask, Do you still like me? Love is calm, attachment is not.
You feel insecure and jealous.
This goes back to the idea that when you’re not physically with your partner at any moment, you jump to conclusions that are rooted in insecurity and jealousy. You assume they’re cheating. You assume they’re about to break up with you to find someone better or to be alone (because it’s better than being with you).
This is an anxious attachment: someone who struggles with low self-esteem and who needs constant reassurance. You crave reassurance from your partner that they’re not cheating, they’re not going to leave you, and that they still love you. You’re quick to become jealous of any other person in their life who could be a potential threat and you assume the worst. These anxious feelings stem from a fear of losing the attachment, rather than the person themselves.
You’re not interested in their well-being.
Love is selfless. It’s about sacrifices and making sure your partner is happy. Attachment is selfish. It’s about your needs. When you’re attached, you’re primarily focused on what you’re getting from the relationship and how it’s benefiting you rather than making the effort to reciprocate care and support.
There’s a lack of growth and you’re resisting change.
Oftentimes, when we’re in a relationship, we can become stagnant. We become comfortable with who we are and who we’re with. Because of that, we neglect personal goals and growth. We forget about that thing we wanted to accomplish because we’re so preoccupied with the relationship and making sure our partner is happy. Although love is about selflessness, that’s not the case here, because this is attachment.
When it’s attachment (not love), you or your partner might be unwilling to follow your dreams simply out of fear that you could lose one another. When it’s love, no dream is too big and no personal growth is too much for two people who are willing to make it work.
If you or your partner is feeling reluctant to change aspects of the relationship that need work or are avoiding the underlying issues, this is a good sign this is not love, but an attachment. Resistance stems from a fear of losing the attachment rather than a genuine commitment to growth.
You’re settling for less.
When we get into relationships, we are often wearing rose-colored glasses. We ignore the red flags. We overlook and give excuses for the major character flaws. We suppress our needs and desires simply because we want to keep the peace and make sure our partner doesn’t leave us if we ask for “too much.”
Your partner isn’t surprising you with flowers every day, even though at the beginning of the relationship you expressed how much you like that. Oh well, it’s no big deal. I’ll settle. Your partner doesn’t please you in the bedroom and only focuses on themselves and their needs? I won’t mention anything, it’s fine. I don’t want to ask for too much.
When it’s attachment, you stay in the relationship out of fear of being alone. You’re comfortable with what you’ve created, this familiar attachment.
There’s a lack of joy and fulfillment.
When you’re in love, you feel a deep sense of joy and contentment. When you’re attached to someone, you have a persistent feeling in your gut that something is missing. There’s an emptiness. You can’t put your finger on it exactly, but you do know you just don’t feel fulfilled.
There’s a lack of emotional connection.
Sometimes there’s an emotional disconnect in relationships. Sometimes there’s little to no vulnerability. Some people have a hard time opening up emotionally to their partner, and that is something that has to be worked through personally and as a couple. There should be, at the very least, a genuine understanding between the two of you. If you both aren’t aware of each other’s fears or what excites them and you both (or maybe just one of you) have difficulty putting in the effort to understand on that level, it’s not genuine love.