8 Questions To Ask A Partner Before Becoming Exclusive, According To A Therapist

You’ve been dating for a while, and you’ve been thinking about making this relationship official. But are you ready? And is your partner? Are you even a good match? You want to be absolutely sure you’re on the same page before committing to exclusivity. Luckily, TikTok therapist, @therapyjeff has advice for how to do it–and you may just come away with an even better relationship out of it. (Score!)

Jeff has come up with 8 questions to ask your partner if you want to be exclusive, as you can see above. Sit down for a serious conversation–one you should both be ready to have. They’re illuminating questions you may have never even thought to ask, and they’ll help you both figure out if going official is right for you. Here’s what he says you should ask:

1. What is your definition of cheating?

Not everyone’s on the same page about this, so it’s important to hear your partner’s definition. They might only consider intercourse cheating–but what about kissing? Oral sex? Emotional cheating? The work wife/work husband? OnlyFans accounts? Get this figured out so both of you know what to expect.

2. What kind of relationship do you want?

Monogamy? Ethical non-monogamy? Polyamory? While monogamy may have been the quietly understood default relationship style decades ago, that’s become less and less the case these days. Don’t just assume you’re going into monogamous exclusivity. Ask what they want.

3. What kind of kinky stuff are you into?

It would be a major bummer if you found out about a deal-breaking fetish way down the line when you’ve been committed for ages. It’s time to figure out each other’s kinky quirks. Who knows? Maybe you’re found some shared spicy interests.

4. What’s your biggest worry about me?

It’s time to figure out each other’s concerning red flags. You might learn something totally new about yourself. And if you’re truly meant to be together, you’ll want to work on whatever worries them. (And vice versa.)

5. Are you prepared to be my primary emotional support person?

And if not, are you okay with getting that kind of support elsewhere, like from friends or parents? Most exclusive relationships have each person relying on the other for emotional support, but not everyone’s up for that role. Knowing now will avoid heartache down the line.

6. What are you giving the most energy to right now?

It could be school, work, some creative project–and it’s always subject to change. This is a good way to figure out expectations for their time. It’s also a good way to find out if your potential exclusive partner doesn’t use their energy in a way you find helpful or good. (Like having no goals at all.)

7. Does anyone else think they’re in a relationship with you right now?

This is different than asking “Are you in a relationship with anyone right now?” Your partner might not think it’s a relationship, but if there’s someone out there who thinks it is, it needs to be addressed.

8. What do you think is most important that I should be aware of?

It’s an open-ended question that could go anywhere, which is exactly why you should ask. You might just learn something amazing–or terrible–that you had no idea about.