Here’s Why You Should Background-Check Every Person You Date (And How To Do It)

Now that we’ve met online and chatted, I’m going to background-check you. Here’s why.

I’ve been online dating since 2005, when it was in its infancy. I heard about it from single friends, but felt exempt because I had been in a year-long relationship with someone I felt sure I would marry. Sadly, he left me for someone else that he would indeed marry. I was devastated. But to regain my romantic footing, I decided to try online dating.

Those early years were fun. I dated a handsome salesman who, like me, enjoyed sports events, and spur of the moment stuff—like flying to Vegas on Wednesday. Then there was the Kris Kristofferson look-alike who loved to attend live theater. Next came the home builder who would stop his SUV on the roadside, crank up George Strait, get me out of the car, and swirl me around to the music.

Those periods of dating seemed like a sure path to a happy ending, but it wasn’t happening. Some matches lasted a year, some a few months; others, I or 2 dates. There was even a marriage in between to a wonderful guy who tragically died of cancer. Honestly though, the longest relationship I’ve had has been with online dating itself.

Through the years, I’ve matched, e-harmonized, Christian-mingled, hinged, bumbled, pof-ed, Facebook-dated, and more. I’ve swiped left, clicked the X button, and deleted guys for being too short, using bad grammar, smoking, yellowing or poor teeth, holding a fish (really?), or just having a yuck factor that I can’t explain.

But the biggest reason I’d reject someone is the background check.

It used to be that no one even talked about background checks. The guys we met were decent, nothing weird or untoward. But by the time online dating exploded, there were so many people out there that all of a sudden it became a nutty world with crazies populating the landscape.

For me, it was the guy who wanted to court me with sexting only… the guy who pulled out his plunker while walking me home from a restaurant in my neighborhood… the guy who tried to scam me for boatloads of money… the catfisher who suspiciously called himself Robert Rich with a profile that sounded like it was written by someone who did not know English.

Not many guys these days seem to care about a real relationship. We single women are a mere buffet for them—pick what you want, leave some on the plate, try something else. If red velvet cake wasn’t good enough, order up the strawberry cheesecake, go back for seconds or thirds and enjoy emotional intimacy but only in small bites.

Realizing the shift in the dating pool, I decided to background check every guy after I got his last name or phone number. Sites like beenverified.com or truthfinder.com or even Google and Linked-In made it easy to become a modern-day Nancy Drew with a few clicks.

The first background check I ran was on a guy who said he was a consultant for a military film because he claimed to have been a part of that original operation depicted in the movie. Nope, according to my background check, using Linked-In, it couldn’t have been true. He was working for a big accounting firm while this military operation was going down. And I can’t forget the guy studying to be a minister who had a record of several assaults with a deadly weapon.

Then there was the guy who was two-timing me. Combing beenverified.com and checking addresses, I discovered that he had another girlfriend stashed away at his second home in another state.

The scariest one was the felon. He seemed so nice after I started chatting with him that I almost did not run the usual background check. But one sleepless night at 3 a.m., I ran one anyway, not expecting to uncover any documented offenses. OMG, the guy had a criminal history 100 miles long, from a prison sentence to jail time for domestic violence. I gently and nicely asked him about it. I guess he didn’t like that I background-checked him, because in a probable retaliatory move, he accused me of having had a sex change operation from male to female at some point in my life.

Sometimes what didn’t work out for me really worked out for me.

My point in airing these personal examples is that I want to make sure that you and any other guy I meet online have no documented history of causing harm or not telling me the truth so I can better decide if I feel comfortable meeting you in real life.

I start out with easy detective work like checking out your social media profiles for any red flags. Facebook keeps photos and posts forever and is a wealth of background info. Using Facebook searches, I once discovered that a boyfriend of mine was married not just once, but multiple times that he never told me about. If you do not have a social media profile, I’ll ask you to Facetime me to make sure I’m not being catfished. 

After I use background-checking apps, I corroborate what I find out by accessing local county and state court records online to see if I there are any charges brought against you. I realize too, that just because you do not have a criminal record in the state you currently live in, this does not mean you have a harmless history. You could have lived in multiple states in the past.

Along with background checking, I prepare an escape plan in case I need to quickly get out of a dangerous situation. I always tell a friend or relative when I’m going on a date with someone new.

I don’t like that dating has come to this, but I hope you can see why I’m background-checking you. I’m not doing it to make you feel bad or uncomfortable. I just don’t want to invest energy in someone who is wrong or dangerous for me. I want to be able to stand before you, be with you, love you, and know that I’m safe with you.

Background-checking saves your time – and mine.