27 Hilarious Jokes That Will Make Everyone Love You

“I’ve been thinking about selling John Lennon memorabilia on eBay… Imagine all the PayPal.” — olly-oxen

“I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.” — Roguer9

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” — Scrappy_Larue

“I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.” — minodude

“What did the shark say to the three whales? Whale, whale, whale, what have we got here?” — MontyNavarro

“What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.” — luigizus1

“Why don’t boxers have sex the night before a fight? Because they don’t fancy each other.” — Logofascinated

“What is the difference between ignorance and negligence? I don’t know and I don’t care.” — derjames

“Ancient astronomers attempted to measure the exact time between sunrises. After 24 hours they gave up and called it a day.” — JustinianTheWrong

“Hello everyone, welcome back to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I’ve got to admit I’m pretty disappointed.” — SevenSixOne

“Someone stole my mood ring, I don’t know how I feel about that.” — Moghlannak

“Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.” — [deleted]

“Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.” — ZincHead

“How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.” — halestormcc

“Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.” — toblu

“A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!’ Herman said, ‘It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!'” — Outlaw_Jose_Cuervo

“I once had a friend who had a job circumcising elephants. The pay was lousy, but the tips were huge.” — MistaDirtyZiggy

“A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar. The bartender gave it to her.” — btotherad

“Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.” — rxt0191

“Pavlov is sitting at the bar drinking a beer when his phone rings. ‘Crap! I forgot to feed the dogs!’ he exclaims.” — madgepie198

“We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans.” — Fillard_Millmore

“Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.” — gabirole

“I would like to thank my father for coming. Without him I wouldn’t be here today.” — CaptainUltimate28

“I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.” — Housebitchhere

“What happened when the strawberry attempted to cross the road? There was a traffic jam!” — Velocirexisaur

“What do you eat when you’re cold and angry? A brrrgrrr.” — Bluuuurr

“There once was a man from Peru. Whose limericks stopped at line two.” — mlw72z