It’s Not Them, It’s You: 12 Red Flags That You’re The Problem

We’re all the heroes of our own stories, so when we go through a breakup, it’s normal to feel like you did everything right and it was your ex that caused all the issues. But is that really how it happened? I hate to break it to you, but sometimes you’re the problem. You’re the one creating a toxic relationship. How do you know, though? These sometimes subtle red flags show that you’re the problem in the relationship.

1. Your friends aren’t backing you up anymore.

Your friends were always gassing you up when you complained about your partner. But now, anytime you bring up a fight or issue you’re having in your relationship, they’re uncharacteristically quiet. They just don’t have the heart–or the energy–to tell you that you’re wrong.

2. Your support system is disappearing.

Of course, this is the next step. Once your friends aren’t backing you up anymore, they’ll find being around you exhausting. Suddenly you don’t have anyone to hang out with on a Saturday night. Why? Because you’re not fun; you’re the toxic one.

3. You let your insecurities run wild.

Whenever you get a negative thought in your brain (he doesn’t love me anymore, he’s cheating on me, he hates me), you let those bad feelings make decisions. You hound your partner every time. But there comes a breaking point when people don’t want to deal with constantly having to reassure their partner that everything is fine. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

4. You make everything about you.

It’s always your feelings that matter, your life that’s affected by the problem of the day. Your partner’s life is always secondary (or worse) in every conversation or fight. Newsflash: You aren’t the center of the universe.

5. You’ve been throwing and breaking things.

Breaking plates during a fight isn’t “fiery and romantic.” Once violence enters the equation–even if it’s violence against objects–you’re a big problem.

6. You care more about what other people think than how your partner feels.

You’re never backing up your partner or defending them against your shitty friends or toxic family. Appearances are more important to you than your partner’s feelings. Honestly, I feel sorry for them.

7. You hate the idea of “boundaries.”

You seem to think that a “healthy” couple doesn’t have boundaries. In other words, it’s okay for you to have boundaries, but not your partner. If you’re trampling over every boundary, you’re the problem.

8. You use the silent treatment any time something goes wrong.

Why are you acting like a petulant five-year-old throwing a tantrum because she didn’t get the lollipop she wanted? This isn’t how adults act and it just makes you look toxic.

9. You always get your way.

You’ll do anything to make things go your way. You’ll lie, you’ll call your partner’s work, you’ll whine and whine until they finally give in. Don’t forget: This is supposed to be a partnership.

10. Every time you win the argument, you get a twinge that something isn’t right.

That sick feeling you have is your conscience trying to tell you something. Listen to your gut and realize you’re going about this all wrong.

11. Nothing is ever your fault.

You did something shitty, but you just spin it so that it’s your partner’s fault. “If you hadn’t made me mad, I wouldn’t have keyed your car.” Congratulations: You’re a narcissist.

12. Your partner has said, “I’m just so tired.”

There comes a point in a bad relationship when someone is so tired of putting up with the toxicity that they just stop fighting. This is the last nail in the coffin before they finally cut you loose and start recovering from the bad hangover that follows dating you.