7 Difficult Lessons I Learned From A Toxic Relationship

I learned to choose me. Choosing myself looks like prioritizing myself, listening to and honoring my emotions, and trusting myself when my intuition is signaling that something doesn’t feel right. I finally decided to choose myself because I knew my former partner never would, and in doing so, I realized that his inability to see my worth didn’t lessen my value.

I learned that love is not enough to sustain a relationship. I loved my former partner and would like to think that he also loved me at one point in time; however, that love was not enough to keep us afloat. A healthy relationship consists of many elements. Sure, love may be the foundation, but you also need respect, trust, empathy, mutuality, reciprocity, etc. He did not respect me and I failed to respect myself by choosing to remain in a relationship with a partner who couldn’t meet my needs. I could not love my partner into loving me, especially if he had no desire to love me the way I needed and deserved to be loved.

I learned the importance of having boundaries, especially with loved ones. Too often I compromised my boundaries or failed to establish any in order to accommodate my ex. While my lack of boundaries made him happy, it made me miserable. Instead of protecting myself, I protected his ego while leaving myself vulnerable to gaslighting and manipulation.

I learned that having low standards was an open invitation to receive low quality experiences. As a former people pleaser, I believed that the key to longevity in relationships was to make myself easy to be with by requiring only the bare minimum from a partner. I never asked for dates, flowers, gifts, or for him to stop playing video games long enough to spend time with me. I always prioritized his needs and wants. I failed to realize that putting him first only taught him and others that my needs and desires were insignificant.

I learned that what toxicity looks like can vary from relationship to relationship. I thought my ex and I were in a healthy place because he wasn’t physically abusive like a previous ex. I did not recognize the emotional abuse, disrespect, and dismissal of my feelings were equally as harmful. How many red flags did I ignore because they were a different shade of red than the one I was previously accustomed to?

I learned not to date when vulnerable. After leaving one toxic long-term relationship, part of me was desperate to be in another relationship to prove to myself that I could love again. I was nursing some serious unhealed wounds. Letting my ex in numbed everything I was feeling, and that combined with the prospect of new love made my ignorance bliss as I ignored numerous red flags. Now I know the importance of taking the time to fully heal before entering a new dating situation.

I learned that I am capable of saving myself. I used to think that it was my partner’s job to save me. How could I not? From childhood, young girls are inundated with imagery of the damsel in distress who waits on her knight in shining armor to save her from the dragon, evil witch, etc. I mistakenly believed my ex to be my knight. In doing so, I conceded all of my power to him and paid the price as I watched him control every aspect of our relationship, from our activities to our communication to how often we had sex. Years of an unhealthy relationship made me think that I was damaged goods and I needed my ex to save me from becoming even more broken. After we parted ways, I realized the flaws in my thinking. When I gathered the courage to walk away, I realized that I never needed him to save me. I was more than capable of saving myself from any more pain, disappointment, or heartbreak because the only person whose validation I require is my own.