The One Text You Should Never Send Him, Based On His Attachment Style

Have you heard about attachment styles? Psychologists have developed a list of four attachment styles that affect your entire life, and it all starts at birth. Although your attachment style can change through life (thanks, therapy!), it’s usually a hard one to recover from. And all this culminates in the way you approach and deal with romantic relationships. You might run from intimacy or hold on too tight.

You may be wondering what to text the guy you’ve been dating. You want to show him how you feel but you don’t want to scare him away. There’s no one-text-fits-all scenario, but you can narrow down what to say–or in this case, what not to say–based on the guy’s attachment style. Not sure what he might be? I’ll get into that too, below. Get ready! Here’s what you definitely should not text to the guy you’re seeing, based on his attachment style.

Anxious Attachment

Someone with an Anxious attachment style often worries that they’re being rejected. They’re constantly analyzing social situations and looking for any sign that they might not be wanted. This sometimes manifests in holding on a little too tightly when they find someone they like. If your guy has an Anxious attachment style, never send him this text:

You can come if you want.

While it might feel like just a friendly invitation to an event to you, the ambivalence of “if you want” will send him into a downward spiral. He’ll read it as you saying, “I don’t actually want you there, but I’m sending you a pity invite because I feel obligated.” Send this instead:

We’d all love it if you came to this event. No pressure if you have other plans, but it’d be exciting to see you.

There’s little room for mistaking your intentions there.

Avoidant Attachment

Those with an avoidant attachment style will get spooked as soon as they think you’re more interested in a relationship than they are. They are highly sensitive to any form of “clinginess,” and will drop off the face of the Earth if they think you’re being too much. Never send this text if he has an Avoidant attachment style:

Did you get my last text?

Avoidants take their sweet time when texting back. If you start hounding them, increasing your texting frequency, they’ll flee. Instead, don’t text them at all. Wait until they get back to you. If waiting around is no fun for you, maybe you aren’t compatible. (And that’s okay!)

Disorganized Attachment

Those with Disorganized attachment are like a mix of both Anxious and Avoidant. They desperately want to be loved, but then get freaked out any time someone shows them intimacy. They genuinely believe that rejection and heartbreak and inevitable–and will happen soon. If he has a Disorganized attachment style, never send this text:

We need to talk about something…

The topic of conversation could very well be a good thing, but your vagueness will only send him into a downward spiral. He’ll assume the absolute worst and might lash out in fear because of it. He could even break up with you preemptively when that was never your goal to begin with. Instead, text him with the details. Tell him what you want to talk about, because it’s never a good idea to surprise a Disorganized man.

Secure Attachment

This is the attachment style we all strive for. Those with a Secure attachment style are well-rounded, secure, and not very anxious or fearful. Dating a guy like this means he can voice his feelings, regulate his emotions, and bond with you in a multitude of ways. Still, even a Secure man has his limits. The worst text to send someone with a Secure attachment style is none at all. Because they’re emotionally stable, games roll right off them. If you think that the silent treatment will get him to do something for you, you’re wrong. For Secure guys, their willingness to put up with the three other attachment styles is pretty low. If you show him respect, you get the same in return.