Why You’re So Meh This Holiday Season, Based On Your Zodiac Sign
It’s the happiest time of the year. Tis the season to be jolly. It’s the smell of gingerbread cookies baking, the sound of sleigh bells ringing, and the sight of multicolored lights strewn on every house in the neighborhood. It’s the glow of happiness on everyone’s face. It’s the one day of the year when we can all put aside our differences and gather together in peace and love. When you hear that Christmas is near, it fills your heart with glad tidings of great joy…right?
WRONG!
People don’t like to admit that they get sad for Christmas, but almost everyone does—at least about something. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Nothing is perfect—not even Christmas.
Here’s why you might be having a less-than-perfect holiday season, based on your zodiac sign.
ARIES: It’s those annoying Christmas songs.
Wherever you turn this time of year, they’re blasting corny-ass tunes that you’ve been exposed to since infancy—and, depending on your birth month, maybe even songs you were forced to listen to while you were still in the womb. It makes you want to throw a snowball at the Little Drummer Boy. What the hell is a “jingle horse,” and why does his owner expect him to “jingle around the clock”? If it really was a “Silent Night,” why don’t you turn the volume on that song all the way down? Have you actually tried walking in a “Winter Wonderland” without slipping on ice and breaking your neck? And “White Christmas” sounds a little racist to me. All you want for Christmas is for Mariah Carey to go away.
TAURUS: It’s the fact that you have to reunite with family members that you hate.
If Uncle Bob talks about his stint in the military one more time, you’re going to “accidentally” spill turkey gravy all over his stupid Christmas sweater. If Aunt Janet asks you when you’re finally going to get married, you’re finally going to ask her why she got divorced. If Cousin Stella asks you when you’re finally going to finish college, you’re finally going to ask her when her boyfriend is getting out of prison. And if Cousin Tom asks, “Have you put on a little weight?,” you’ll ask, “Have you lost a lot of hair?”
GEMINI: It’s the forced happiness.
You’re not feeling quite “ho, ho, ho” this time of year, and nothing feels sadder than having to fake a grin. Some people have no trouble faking it until they make it. But you find it exhausting. You’d rather people know that you are genuinely unhappy, but you don’t want to be called Scrooge, do you? Besides, your loved ones don’t need to know why you’re unhappy. It’s none of their business. So even though you’re not in the mood to be bubbly, you paint a smile on your face.
CANCER: It’s the darkness and coldness.
In the Northern Hemisphere at least—where 87% of the world’s population resides—the darkest day of the year is December 21. Christmas, of course, falls a mere four days after that. You are in the midst of the Dark Days, where Vitamin D and serotonin levels plummet to zero, where some people go to work and come back home without ever seeing a ray of sunlight. It’s the time of year where you could dress in a parka, scarf, mittens, mukluks, and thermal underwear, crawl under the covers with the heater blasting, and STILL feel cold. Sometimes you feel that Christmas is only a shiny distraction from the fact that weather-wise, it’s the most miserable time of the year.
LEO: It’s the shameless expense of it all.
You’re already in debt, and this Christmas feels like nothing more than an opportunity to dig yourself a little deeper. The cost of the tree…the decorations…the wrapping paper…the presents…the last-minute presents you have to drive out in the cold to buy because you forgot to buy them something…the extra gasoline to drive to all those parties and get-togethers that you’d much rather avoid. It’s getting hard for you not to think Christmas is just a fake holiday that manufacturers and retailers use to pump up their bottom line.
VIRGO: It’s the unrelenting pressure of the holiday season.
As if you didn’t already have enough responsibilities with full-time work and part-time social obligations, now you have to fill out and send Christmas cards that no one will read. You have to attend all those parties and pretend it’s fun. You have to buy all those gifts and worry right up until the last minute whether you forgot anyone. You have to buy a tree, put it up, and decorate it. And then there’s the cooking. And the cleaning. And the steam-valve pressure of hoping that everything goes perfectly smooth and that no one is disappointed. Bah, humbug!
LIBRA: It’s the loneliness.
As you shiver among the crowds in the city square during the annual Christmas Tree lighting, you feel more alone than ever. As you sit at home eating leftovers and watching A Christmas Story on YouTube, you feel like a lone candle burning alone on a dark winter’s eve. Even amid a group of carolers, you feel entirely alone. Christmas is supposed to be a time for sharing, but you can’t even find anyone to answer your phone calls or return your texts. In a time of year that’s supposed to bring everyone on Earth together in a spirit of peace and goodwill, you’ve never felt more isolated.
SCORPIO: It’s because you compare yourself to others.
As you resentfully scroll down through the social-media feeds of those you know, you wind up getting more and more depressed. Why do THEY get to have all the fun? Why is everyone wishing THEM a Merry Christmas? What the hell do THEY have that you don’t besides happiness, wealth, beauty, friends, and family? Why the hell do THEY look so happy on Instagram? I mean, it couldn’t possibly be that they’re putting on a show, right? They’re not running their pictures through a dozen filters, are they?
SAGITTARIUS: It’s because you compare the present to the past.
You gotta admit—Christmas is not nearly as magical as it was when you were a kid. Nothing will ever match the giddy feeling of waking up in your pajamas and tiptoeing downstairs to see what Santa left under the Christmas tree. You’re even still a little pissed-off that the whole “Santa” thing turned out to be a lie. Times were better back then. No one was arguing over politics at Christmas dinner—which, by the way, cost a lot less to make than it does now. Back then, people spoke to each other in person rather than yelled at one another online. Things definitely have changed—for the worse.
CAPRICORN: It’s because Christmas is never quite as “jolly” as it’s supposed to be
It’s not really that you hate Christmas, it’s just that you don’t understand all the hype and attention and planning and flat-out propaganda about this weird holiday toward the end of the year. You don’t mind a nice egg nog here and there, nor do you hate getting cards from strangers, presents from friends, or warm wishes from that weird guy you met at a baseball game two years ago. But every year, Christmas reminds you of that one-night stand you had with that person you were wildly horny for, only to wake up the next morning thinking, “Is that all there is?”
AQUARIUS: It’s because all the seasonal joy only makes your real problems seem worse by comparison.
Amid the sleigh bells jingling and the carolers caroling and the reindeers flying, all the current stressors in your life seem far worse by comparison. Santa’s goddamned elves don’t know about your financial worries, your relationship problems, your health concerns, or how you’re absolutely freaking out about the state of the world. Sure, they have to work hard churning out all those toys this time of year, but have you ever heard of an elf who needs antidepressants? You would almost kill to be one of Santa’s elves.
PISCES: It’s because Christmas reminds you of your ex.
Every Christmas since you broke up—and you know exactly how many Christmases that was—reminds you of the ones you spent with them. Every Christmas brings one less stocking on the wall. One less plate at Christmas dinner. One giant empty hole in your heart. Sure, it’s going to take a while to finally get over them, but something about Christmas feels like a gut punch every year. Even Valentine’s Day doesn’t feel as sad. Ah, well—time to take a deep breath, soldier through it, and get drunk on New Year’s Eve.