How Each Zodiac Breaks Up With You
VIRGO (8/23 – 9/22)
*Packs up all the stuff you’ve left at their place in a the kind of box people carry when they’ve been laid off in a 90s rom-com and leaves it in plain sight so it’s the first thing you notice when you walk in the door and says…*
“We need to talk”.
LIBRA (9/23 – 10/22)
“Your communication skills are great, and I’ve really appreciated your level of openness and transparency here, the problem is I’m just not vibing with the content. I totally don’t want that to discourage you though, you just need someone who doesn’t yuck your yum.”
SCORPIO (10/23 – 11/21)
*Starts dating someone else without telling you, blocks you from all social media and other forms of contact, but ensures there’s still one mutual friend who will reach out and ask you why they’re suddenly posting pics of their romantic getaway with a new boo.*
SAGITTARIUS (11/22 – 12/21)
“Let’s break up! Just kidding. Ha ha ha, I’m so funny, but really, what if we did? Wouldn’t that be hilarious? Almost as funny as that time I told your parents my religious and political beliefs and they asked me to leave their home! Did I mention I’m going to Scotland for a month on a solo trip?”
CAPRICORN (12/22 – 1/19)
*Works later and later, is always too busy, and finally asks you to start sending meeting requests to their Outlook calendar to “find time to catch up” but everything is literally blocked off except a Monday evening three weeks from now and then they tell you…*
“Actually, that’s when my mom’s in town.”
AQUARIUS (1/20 – 2/18)
*Boosts your self-esteem to an all time high by helping you completely overhaul your wardrobe, pick up new hobbies, meet new friends, and find a new lease on life, for which you will thank them before moving on like it was your idea in the first place.*
PISCES (2/19 – 3/20)
*Cries uncontrollably to the point they almost can’t get the words out, but in between sobs apologizes for how neglectful they’ve been, how tuned out of the relationship, and how much you deserve someone who actually pays attention to you.*
ARIES (3/21 – 4/19)
“I can’t believe you don’t like my best friend. How is this even possible? We’ve known each other since we were in diapers. DIAPERS! And you’re asking me to hang out “less”? Would you hang out less with your own family? I think not. You know nothing about loyalty.”
TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20)
“Listen, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I just think we have different priorities, you know? I just don’t see myself with someone who worries about whether a glass of wine at a restaurant cost more than a cheap bottle from the grocery store.”
GEMINI (5/21 – 6/20)
“I told you 8:15. Not 8:25, or 8:30ish, EIGHT FIFTEEN. I sent you a calendar invite a week and a half ago which is ample notice to plan your day accordingly in order to be showered, dressed, and parked in the parking lot in time for our anniversary reservation, which I will not be rebooking.”
CANCER (6/21 – 7/22)
“I think you just have a lot to unpack right now, and it’s not fair for me to impede your healing journey by burdening you with my own needs while you navigate self-discovery. I’m here to be a resource however I can, but you should definitely be giving yourself that TLC.”
LEO (7/23 – 8/22)
“My nail technician told me that her therapist’s personal trainer was grabbing a coffee from his sister’s favorite barista who saw you sitting behind home plate on Friday night when you told me you were “working late” and bailed on our plans. I’d think twice before showing my face in this neighborhood if I were you.”