A Marriage Counselor Reveals The Most Common Mistakes Couples Make

Relationships aren’t always easy — but if you have the right tools, you’ll be able to create a healthy, stable connection. In order to help your relationship thrive, here are some of the most common mistakes couples make, according to marriage counselors:

“Expecting one person to be everything for them. You need friends, coworkers, a support system, and hobbies.” — fairiefire

“Expecting that because your significant other knows you better than others and is around you most, that they are aware of all of your thoughts and feelings. Your partner is not psychic, and no matter how often they are around you or how well they know you, they cannot pick up on every nuance to determine how you are feeling and how they should respond. That is called emotional babysitting, and it cascades into a host of problems and unnecessary hurt.” — natgoeshome

“Number one problem I see is overactive threat response creating anger and rigidity. People don’t stop to turn down their defense mode, and lose sight of love because all their energy is going towards being right or controlling the outcome. Of course that control comes from a place of fear, but fear and vulnerability feels too dangerous, so it typically gets expressed as anger, frustration, or rigidity. Surrender to not having control, accept what’s in front of you, and cultivate compassion. Please. Because y’all rigid couples who just can’t prioritize empathizing with each other over your fear response are driving me nuts!” — WhyAreYouUpsideDown

“As soon as a couple stops being on the same team, fighting all the bullshit of life together, things fall apart. Get on the same team. Get behind each other’s goals. If you’re not on the same team, you’re just going to wind up annoying the fuck out of each other. All that bullshit of life is going to be beating you down and your life partner is just going to be part of it instead of a refuge.” — thudly

“Keeping score. A partnership is a team, not a competition. Whether a person keeps score of everything they have done, or everything their partner has done, it is a death knell for the relationship. This is one of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship, and you see it often when people use absolute terms to describe themselves or their partners (I.e: I always… she never…). Remembering that each person has his/her own needs, abilities, skills, and boundaries is essential to a healthy couple.” — natgoeshome

“Never lash the other with past misbehaviors when trying to resolve a current issue.” — mrmrmrj

“When one half says, ‘I am not happy about X’ do not respond with ‘ok but I am unhappy with Y.’ Fix X. Get settled. Then bring up Y if you still need to.” — mrmrmrj

“Not listening, most people listen to respond and don’t listen to hear. This is what I spend the most time teaching couples how to do!” — cplkm

“Blaming their partner for all issues in the relationship and not taking ownership of their own role in dysfunction/issues.” — maxpowerphd

“Not expressing gratitude towards your partner on a regular basis. Experiences and expressions of gratitude can have a really positive effect on psychological well being as well as relational strength.” — maxpowerphd

“Not giving intimacy in their relationship enough attention. This includes but is not limited to sex. Many relationships start with the hot and heavy phase where intimacy can come naturally. As this phase diminishes many couples do not spend the time and energy to consider how to maintain a healthy level of intimacy now that it doesn’t just come naturally.” — maxpowerphd

“Another one a lot of people don’t think of is actually talking about sex, not just having it. Do you enjoy the sex you have? Would you like to have more of it? Less? Would you like to see it change? Do you or the other person have any weird kinks? Just have the talk. Different sexual wavelengths can be difficult to reconcile.” — WholeMilkStandard

“When your significant other brings something to your attention that they need/want, don’t react harshly if it’s something they’ve refused to bring up sooner. Getting loud or defensive ‘Why didn’t you bring this up sooner!’ will make them shy away from bringing things up again due to negative reinforcement/backlash. This is especially true if they’ve been victims of any kind of abusive relationships.” — McCl3lland