Did He Really Change, Or Does He Just Want Access To You?

“Hey.” He slides back into your DMs like a ghost. You’d thought you’d gotten over him, but seeing that name pop up on your screen again does something to you. It’s like hope mixed with dread. Why’s he coming back now? You would have been happy to never see him again. And yet…memories flip through your brain like a photo album on high speed. The day you met. The first time he kissed you. The moment he broke your heart. So why is he here now? Because he said he’s changed. He wants you back. For him, you’re the one who got away, and he’s filled with regret that he let you go.

Hey. I miss you. Can we meet up?

Hope. It’s a tricky thing. It clouds over your vision in swirls of rosy pink, making you miss those jarring red flags flying high. So you give him the benefit of the doubt. Your hope makes you text back. You tell yourself you just want to see. You’re just curious. And when he gets back to you that all those complaints you had before are baseless now–that he’s changed and he won’t hurt you the way he once did–you want to believe him.

Of course you want to believe it. We all hope that people are capable of change. That if they know how much their words and actions can hurt, that they’ll find a way to stop causing so much pain. But has he changed? Really? You just want to see. You promise yourself that you won’t get hurt this time. You’re prepared. And yet…

He hasn’t changed. People almost never do. And he certainly won’t change if you still give him access to you, still let him into your life. It shows him that there are no consequences. He can still have you as long as he waits a while and says the right things. Here’s something important to remember: If he really changed, he would realize that what he did hurt, and he’d know that seeing him again would cause you to relive that same hurt. He’d leave you alone, because he wouldn’t want to hurt you.

But that’s not what he’s doing. He’s resurrected from the grave of ex-boyfriends where you hoped he’d stay. He’s texting you again. Why? Because he loves the attention. He wants to keep you benched. He thinks it’s easier to bug you and have another night of mediocre sex than put in the work to find someone new. It’s the access. He hasn’t changed; he just wants access to you.

The next time he pops up in your DMs, like a ghost in the night, don’t write back. Revoke your access from this old flame. Divert your hope to someone new, the prospect of finding someone who treats you well from the start. Because that’s what you deserve.