30 Guys Discuss The Lesson They Learned From A Past Relationship That They Won’t Repeat
1. Don’t Make Them Your Everything
Never make someone your everything because if you lose them, you’re left with nothing. You need other things to make yourself happy and live a fulfilling life. You need friends, hobbies, goals, etc.
MmmNeapolitan
2. A Great Life Lesson
“What you put up with, you end up with.“
1Operator
3. Warning!
Be upfront about all of your problems so later on you can be like “I WARNED YOU ABOUT ME! I WARNED YOU! I FUCKING WARNED YOU WHAT WOULD HAPPEN”.
Works well.
FrogsEverywhere
4. Back And Forth Doesn’t Work
Be in it or don’t. Back and forth will end in disaster.
AbsoluteZero_
5. Aligned Life
Compatibility is different from attraction, and even love. Make sure your individual ideas of an ideal life can be aligned.
penguinmanbat
6. Compatibility
My last ex was amazing. We shared the same interests, great sex, she came from a good family, etc..
Unfortunately we discovered that despite all the goodness, we were not at all compatible in terms of how much time we like to spend with each other (she liked her distance, I liked being close). We realised we couldn’t get past this extreme difference, and so I made the extremely difficult decision to end things.
It’s been over a month and I’m still sad, but I know this temporary sadness is 100x better than either one of us being stuck in an unhappy relationship due to being incompatible.
8-tentacles
7. Know The Differences
You have to learn to distinguish between attraction, chemistry, infatuation, and love. These are just my personal definitions, but every person needs to feel these out for themselves and and understand the difference.
Attraction: you are drawn to them
Chemistry: you feel good together
Infatuation: that rush of excitement you get being with that person and thinking about spending time with them
Love: a long-term desire to care for them and build a life together. This is the part that takes the work, because the other 3 things will wax and wane
A LOT of people confuse the first 3 with love, especially chemistry and infatuation. There’s nothing wrong with those things! They don’t crowd out your ability to love someone. But they make it hard to see whether someone is a long term partner because our stupid animal brains want to produce a baby RIGHT NOW, here are the feel-good juices and damn the consequences.
It’s a lesson that takes a long time and a lot of reflection to learn, and some people never manage to do so. Even if you’re just looking for something casual, understanding these things and their effect on you will help a lot
Edit: I’d also add affection: wanting to see someone be happy and healthy. Not necessarily love.
alwaysbemybuibui
8. Love The Person, Not The Idea
Make sure you’re in love with the ACTUAL person, not your idealized version of them that exists only in your head.
BillClinton4Pres
9. Ending Isn’t The Same As Failing
Along the same lines, a relationship ending is not the same as a relationship failing. If it made you happy, if you learned from it, if it was supportive while it lasted, if you parted as friends, if you had good experiences together – any and all of these things are successes. Sometimes things run their course, or circumstances change, and it’s time to move on and that’s the right and best thing to do.
DramaLlamadary
10. Communication Is Key
Don’t not communicate for fear of making someone upset.
Speak your truth and talk shit out.
ImpressiveGrocery959
11. Comfortable Quirks
Be comfortable with your own quirks. If you’re not comfortable, then you can’t expect your other half to be comfortable with it. In my case, overthinking and unbiased anxiety.
KTitan2602
12. No Breaks
Don’t accept a “break” – if it’s a relationship issue you solve it together, or you break up if either one of you is unwilling to work towards a solution.
th0mmo
13. Be Sure They Accept You For You
Find someone who accepts you for you. Don’t let them break down parts of yourself that aren’t even unhealthy.
Example: I don’t like to scream and argue. I want to communicate and fix the issue. That’s not a flaw. The issue is arguing, not covering anything about it, and acting like it never happened when the anger settles. You just end up full circle in a weeks time.
Even if you’re all in and don’t want to because you see hope, do NOT ignore the red flags. They are usually obvious.
Don’t be with someone who never accepts their responsibility. You are not the issue every time. It’s never one way. Fuck that.
Recognize your own issues, and try to fix them. This is never ending, but the more you do, the easier it is. It’s nothing but a healthy habit.
BatheInChampagne
14. Don’t Stay Just Because
Don’t stay out of loyalty, obligation, or guilt. Stay because you genuinely want to.
Along the same line, don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
VisionInPlaid
15. Don’t Confuse A Dare With Permission
“Do what you want” is a dare, and not permission.
Diesel07012012
16. Know Your Self Worth
The value of self worth. Don’t make them a priority if all you are is an option to them. Recognize that and walk away and find someone who is just as excited to be with you as you are to be with them.
nayponn
17. It’s Us Versus The World
It’s not me versus her it’s both of us versus the problem.
geroshizzle
18. Learn To Be Alone
It can also help you not know how to be in a relationship with someone. I’ve been alone for so long that being in a relationship now, which is a very normal thing to want/do, feels like it’s not worth the trade-off compared to how easy living alone is. But I don’t want to end up alone for the rest of my life because I liked being alone too much and got used to it.
river_dawg_mayne
19. No Damsel In Distress
Don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved….
Mortma
20. Believe Your Intuition
Do not over invest, match the giving and receiving of emotions and material things, don’t trust someone 100 % until you know them better and watch out for red flags, like were they together with someone when they started dating you, that is, monkey branching.
Also, go with your gut feeling. If something feels off, it probably is.
Far-Blackberry5698
21. Trust Your Gut and Speak Your Mind
It’s so important to trust your gut and instincts. The modern era of dating expects us to just not care about all of the red flags in front of us because when we do speak up on it we are “holding them back” or being “controlling.”
Trust your gut, speak your mind, then move on if nothing changes. Don’t wait around for someone to change for you, it will never happen.
CoachJW
22. Don’t Be Complacent
Always raise your concerns. Never be complacent. ALWAYS be the bigger, kinder, more measured person.
BennyBooXD
23. Never Allow Physical Abuse
The instant she lays a hand on you the relationship is OVER.
BoneIt69
24. Matching Effort
I was in a relationship with my best friend for 9 months. I never realized it until she ended it but she never put any effort into the relationship.
It was always me who asked when I could see her again, who initiated cuddles, even a kiss. She was barely willing to go out once a week. In the last half we were long distanced, and on the 2 week holiday breaks where we could see each other, she was only willing for 2 or 3 dates.
Before the last holiday break, I was asking her how excited she was. She just went “kinda.” It’s like she completely forgot that was the first time we would be able to see in each other for 2 months. I was crushed, but I didn’t even know it.
I still don’t know how I was so blind. I knew her as a friend for a looong time before we started dating. I don’t think I was ever more than a friend to her, and I let her drag me and my heart along.
Now I’m left with a bad experience of a first relationship, loss of a really great friend, and a soured heart.
Surxe
25. Deal With Issues Head On
Don’t let the negatives go to far, deal with them STRAIGHT THE FUCK AWAY. In a relationship, there will always be times when you feel negatively about the other person for one thing or another, serious things get talked about straight away.
But small things, small things add up. The longer you leave them, the more there are. I find most people don’t want to talk about the smaller things. “It’ll fix itself”, “I’ll get used to it” you tell yourself and they keep happening. You feel like you can’t get mad about these things because they’re so small. But they get big, over time they get big and eventually you’ll blow up and look like an asshole.
Approach every situation where you feel negatively about your partner to your partner. EVERY. SITUATION. It’s worth uncomfortable talks, for the comfort when you reach a compromise. Trust me.
Khal_Andy90
26. Hold Onto Your Self Respect
Always keep your self-respect/worth high. If a woman tries to break it, ditch her.
Women saying they have doubts or anything and wanting to think about it. I’ll make it easy, I’m not an option or a doubt so bye.
NickFromNL
27. Don’t Get Attached Quickly
Never get attached too quickly. We don’t know what they’re thinking. They might pretend to like you but don’t know if they are being real or not.
SnooCauliflowers4198
28. Insignificant Lies Mean Bigger Lies
If you catch them lying about insignificant things in major ways, they will DEFINITELY lie about major things in significant ways. GTFO immediately if you notice it.
I’ll never forget the time I met a brand new group of people and they brought our relationship up in conversation (a year after breaking up) not realizing that I was the male half. Apparently they had a very low opinion of me based on things she’d told people that I have/would never do. That shit isn’t cool.
CCWThrowaway360
29. Watch Who You Date
Never, EVER, date your friends ex. Even if you have permission. Ever. No matter how hot they are.
Just, trust me. Top 5 dumbest things I’ve done in my life.
diabolical_amoeba
30. They’ll Do It To You Too
Never date a person who cheated on someone to be with you. You might feel your particular relationship is special but trust me, the pattern repeats.
qwertyuiop3294