How To Diffuse Arguments In Healthy Relationships

“Before you start a fight, ask yourself a few questions: 1) Am I really mad at SO or at something/someone else? 2) Is this only upsetting me because it reminds me of something someone way less wonderful (like my ex) did previously? 3) If I did this same thing to my SO, would I understand their anger? After thinking that out I am in a sufficiently logical state of mind to have a level-headed conversation. So the conversation usually goes like this: Hey, SO, I really want you to listen to me about this. I don’t like that you _____ because it made me feel ____. We may not always see eye to eye, but by approaching disagreements logically and being clear about what we need we avoid yelling or fighting.” — msb4464

“Avoid exaggerating. Words like ‘always’ or ‘never’ tend to lead to fact-checking competitions instead of discussing the issue at hand. Stop yourself from making stupid declarations such as, ‘Fine, I’ll never hang out with friends again!’ Don’t back down from what you believe in, but be willing to believe in something else.” — [deleted]

“For me the problem isn’t when they’re wrong. The problem starts when they’re right (and I don’t want them to win). If they’re right, you have to learn to swallow that pride. No matter how hot it burns. No matter how much you loathe the thought of them doing an ‘I told you so.’ You’ll defuse an argument much faster if you can punch your own ego into submission and acknowledge their stance as valid.” — eyeoxe

“Honestly, I remain calm. If you’re calm, the other person will start to calm down as well, and then you can talk it out like grownups!” — abby89

“If you want to diffuse an argument with your spouse, holds hands. You simply cannot stay mad at a person you’re holding hands with. Try it out. When you’re holding hands, love and common sense prevail.” — [deleted]

“I will normally do what I call ‘reset’ where I get back into my PJs and lie down in bed for a little while, and then I’ll take a long, hot shower. If I’m still feeling upset I’ll go back to bed or else I’ll go downstairs and have a little something to eat. It’s a lot harder to be mad at someone when you’re more relaxed and less hungry. It’s like the reverse of ‘don’t go to bed angry’ I guess.“ — duckspunk

If it’s something petty, and from my experience it usually is, remember this: your SO might not be there in the morning, they could be gone from your life in one day. Car accidents, unknown medical condition etc. is it really worth the argument?” — [deleted]

“Don’t be afraid to fight or disagree, it’s normal. I used to think that a relationship was about being perfect; two people seamlessly integrated into one another’s lives, never arguing only loving. But what a relationship really is is working with another part of yourself to make your life better. If someone really is your SO then that means they are a part of you. Sometimes there are things that you do that you regret or bad habits you can’t kick; your disagreements with your SO are because you don’t agree with how part of you has chosen to do things. Learn how to talk, not yell. Learn how to listen, not just hear. Learn how to disagree, not fight. And learn what is worth it and how much energy you really want to expend trying to change something that may inherently be a part of that person. I know this may sound contradictory to the above but really, pick you battles. And for fuck sakes buy them some flowers and mean it when you say ‘sorry’.” — [deleted]

“Use the pause-unpause rule from How I Met Your Mother: Marshall and Lily’s rule that during a fight they can ‘pause’ anytime to take a break from the fight and pretend nothing is wrong, allowing them to enjoy a meal or have sex without thinking about the fight. When they ‘unpause’, they can go back to addressing the fight again, as the heat of passion of the fight has dissipated.” — cherdandelions

“Listen to them. Reflect back what they are saying so that they feel understood. Talk in soft tones. Don’t be attached to being ‘right.’ Touch them softly on the hand or back AFTER the anger has passed. Hug them if there is reciprocity. Most importantly: listen to them and MAKE SURE THEY FEEL UNDERSTOOD.” — [deleted]