Do you ever get stuck with intense anxiety when in a relationship? As soon as your partner or crush does something confusing, you’re left with the unknown. And that unknown can lead you down a seriously deep and winding spiral of anxiety. Does he like me? Or does he just want to be a friend? Why isn’t he texting? Is it because he doesn’t respect me? Is he just busy? Is this a sign that he’s not invested or interested?
Typically, we just sit with that anxiety over the unknown, poisoning ourselves with it. It turns out there’s a much better way to handle this, thanks to the advice of the awesome TikTok therapist, @somymomsatherapist. Her account has over half a million followers and 12 million likes–and for good reason. She gives us some of the best self-esteem-boosting advice for those who are insecure when it comes to relationships.
Recently, she stitched a guy’s video about wondering why someone hasn’t contacted him in the last 19 hours. Watch her response below.
While it’s just meant to be a funny TikTok, she points out how real it is for a lot of us when we’re confronted with the unknown in a relationship. She explains why:
Our brain goes crazy trying to fill in for the unknown. And most of the time, we fill in with past trauma. If someone has been cheated on or trust has been ruptured. Or if our history had to do with alcohol or abandonment, we’ll fill in with that.@somymomsatherapist
We aren’t filling in the unknown with reality. Instead, how we fill in that empty space is entirely based on our own histories and insecurities. And when we fill in the unknown ourselves, it doesn’t actually help. So, how do we fix it? She’s got answers for that, too:
If somebody doesn’t respond after 19 hours, [ask yourself,] does that work for me? If I come up with the answer, ‘no, that doesn’t work for me,’ then I get to ask my body, do I want to say something or do? Saying or doing.@somymomsatherapist
You now have the choice to either say something or do something, because just sitting with your anxiety is no longer an option.
What you can say.
If you’re unsure of something, just ask. Why wonder the answer when you can get it from the source. If a guy seems like he’s been pulling away, ask him if he’s still interested. Be upfront and clear. Don’t wonder anymore–just ask.
Of course, some people remain confusing–they like it when they come off as mysterious. In that case you cay say, “hey, this doesn’t work for me. I need to be kept in the loop.” Stick to your guns. If you’re still left with unknowns, it’s time to move on.
What you can do.
Rather than sitting with the unknown, get out of there. Leave them and find someone who is open and honest with you, because those people do exist. Do yourself a favor and ditch the ones who make you feel insecure, even if they’re not necessarily doing it on purpose. Your comfort should always come first.