How To Relax When You Suck At Relaxing

One would think that relaxation is something that should come easy to us, right? Just stop, slow down, and relax. But for many of us, getting to the point where you can slow down and actually get to the relaxing part is a struggle. Relaxing at the drop of a hat has never really been my strong suit, especially on weekends. It’s one thing when you’re on vacation, but when it’s Saturday and I start to feel guilty about emails piling up or feel like I should be getting ahead on work for the week ahead to make my life in the future easier, it’s hard to stop, take a breath, and purely relax.

However, relaxation and slowing down is necessary for us to continue to move full-speed ahead. Allowing for rest not only makes us better at our jobs, increases possibilities for our relationships, and makes us feel good, it also impacts the way we feel about ourselves. Taking time for rest can boost our self-worth by showing us that we believe we’re worthy of our own time.

So, what can we do for those of us not-so-naturally relaxed people when we still want to relax? Well, what if we used a relaxation schedule? I know, it sounds like the opposite of anything we should be doing, but wait for a second and hear me out.

When you’re used to powering through and being the Energizer Bunny, going cold turkey without a plan can be occasionally (or constantly) panic-inducing. It’s like when you’re awake in the middle of the night and cannot sleep, staring at the clock and thinking, now I’ve been awake for 30 minutes, and now it’s been an hour… Trying to force ourselves into relaxation only leads us to feeling stressed and frustrated that we can’t let go until we end up not relaxing at all!

The struggle is real. So, for those of you that also are challenged with really letting go, I’m telling you to give this a try. By a schedule, I don’t mean I plan out everything in 30-minute intervals (although boy howdy, does that sound incredible to me), but give yourself chunks of time and block those out. 

For example, I have a tendency to feel guilty when I binge-watch a show on a weekend instead of doing the things on my to-do list—however, taking time for myself, which sometimes for me means staring at a TV screen, is also important. You can quite literally add these items to your to-do list so you can experience that glorifying feeling of crossing them off once completed!

So, instead of beating myself up every time I hit “play next episode” before I sit down in front of the TV, I tell myself, here’s the plan:

1. Watch TV for up to three hours

2. Take a bath for up to one hour

3. Read for up to one hour

4. Do one or two items on the to-do list, if and only if it sounds fun

I found that using a routine to help me let go was something I did naturally on vacation without worrying about it. I learned this on a trip to the Bahamas with some friends during my senior year of college. I got up and went to breakfast at the same time every day. Then I would go to the pool. Then I knew exactly for how long I would want to tan, then how long I would read a book. I was very regimented about what my vacation days would look like. But within that structure, it felt easier for me to let go and just lean into the relaxation one should experience on vacation. And eventually, the schedule would get a little less rigid and I would more naturally feel comfortable with the experience of just chilling out. 

By telling myself that I am going to take three hours and watch TV, I stop feeling guilty and I can really just relax into it because it’s all part of the plan for the day. Usually, if I take Saturday and get really structured with my self-care time, by the time it comes to Sunday, I actually feel like I can be more laid back. I can relax without the stress more…naturally. 

This feeling of not being able to relax often comes from a lack of feeling like you’re enough. There’s a need to constantly prove and do more to show how valuable and worthy you are. And while creating a relaxation schedule is helpful in the meantime, it doesn’t absolve you of the inner work that needs to be done to let go of those. However, sometimes these fixes we can use for now can start to help you sort through the larger issues at hand. 

I repeat: this is not a permanent fix for the underlying issues. Although, the more and more you can schedule in relaxation, you will find that the world doesn’t come to pieces when you stop overachieving for a day or two, which, in turn, will help you see that you can slow down, take care of yourself, and know that your self-care is just as important as how much work you get done.