I Am Learning That It’s Okay To Just Enjoy Things

As a kid, I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Sure, I had the idea of being a princess or singer—you know, that kind of thing. But it was never anything serious. As I got older and transitioned into high school, I still had no idea. I thought maybe a therapist, an orthodontist, or a journalist. Senior year rolled around and all my friends were applying to colleges.

My parents and I didn’t have enough money to put me through a four year state school, so it was already decided for me that my fate would be community college. After two years of college, I still had no idea.

I even graduated with a BA from Chico State and decided on a major and have a job I somewhat like. I guess I’ve kinda sailed through this life not really loving any career. Not loving anything specific at least that could be a career for me and pay for my retirement and hospital bills when I’m on my deathbed.

My whole entire life I’ve felt like I had to do something and be something. I had to be someone and prove that I was worthy of living.

Worthy of love. Worthy of happiness. Worthy to just be alive.

Let me tell you, this was very depressing, even though I didn’t see it that way at the time. Having a corporate job wasn’t fulfilling me, so I thought I had to create something to be all these things. I recorded podcasts, taught myself guitar, sang to YouTube karaoke videos at 3 p.m. when no one was home, wrote songs and ended up crying on the pages because they weren’t as good as Phoebe Bridgers.

Every day I woke up and tried to prove myself in some way. I’d post pictures on my Instagram that proved I had a fun life, downloaded and deleted dating apps every other day, and sat in the shower wondering why I never felt successful and good enough.

Then I read a book about Matthew McConaughey called “Greenlights.” This book is all about his life and all the wonderful and not so wonderful things he’s experienced. And I read that book from front to back in two days. I enjoyed reading about his life and just enjoying the book for what it was. I didn’t try to take his advice and apply it to my own life or think about all the things I could change about myself. I just read it and shut it and said, “That was a good book.” This is when it all hit me.

All from this random book that my mom picked up for me because I had a sprained ankle and couldn’t walk. You could say it was fate. But I never looked at myself again and told myself that I needed to prove shit ever again. It changed me even when I didn’t expect it.

I no longer record podcasts and listen to them back and hate them. I no longer sing just so I can someday feel confident enough to post on Instagram or YouTube. I no longer felt like meeting a stranger for a night to just fill a quick void and deleting three dating apps the next day.

Now I play guitar because it gives me joy, and I hope someday I can play it on the beach and think about how beautiful the sun looks over the waves. I sing the same YouTube karaoke videos but don’t think about posting my voice anywhere. I just sing because it’s fun. I turn all my shitty songs into just more pages in my journal that express how I’m feeling.

They don’t need to be hit songs or be recognized by anyone to be good or full of meaning. The same goes with life. I’ve learned that you don’t need to create something to be worthy and important, or to be happy.

You are worthy and important on your own.

Just by being you.

You don’t need to be famous or the prettiest girl in school to be loved. And you certainly don’t need to pressure yourself to choose a career or path when you are so young and full of so much life.

Paying bills is important, but so is your mental health. So yeah, I never published any podcasts or wrote a super cool song, but I did figure out that maybe we’re just here to be happy.

Just here to enjoy the book, the song, the podcast, the process, the experience, and all that other good and sad stuff that comes with this life. Do it because you enjoy it and it’s fun.

Maybe something even more special will come out of you just doing things to enjoy them. And maybe I’ll write a song even better than “Scott Street” by Phoebe Bridgers.