I Can’t Picture You In My Future Anymore

I can’t picture you in my future anymore.

These words still ring through my head every day like a song that’s stuck there, doomed to play on repeat just the same as something that won’t leave the radio. The way they rolled off your tongue was just too easy. Too effortless. I could see the relief on your face after you said them; I could feel the weight lift off of you. I can still feel the way those words punched me in the gut and the physical ache that overtook my body.

Were you wrong to say this? No. I mean, you were just being honest—right?

You may not have been wrong, but the thing is… you were my future. And that vision was destroyed in a matter of seconds by a few simple words.

I used to be able to, but I can’t picture you in my future anymore.

It was so casual. 10:30 at night. I waited up for you to get home from work. I waited up to get my heart broken by the woman who was the love of my life.

I just think we would be wasting our time because nothing is going to change.

The nonchalance of those words still punch me in my gut every day. It wouldn’t have been a waste of my time because anything to do with you was never a waste. I’ve been picking up the pieces of everything that shattered in that moment—but maybe it’s time for me to throw those pieces away.

Are you going to bed? I think it’s best you sleep on the couch tonight.

Everything said that night was dispassionate. Effortless. Unconcerned. Unemotional. That’s what hurts more. Not the fact that you had those feelings of wanting to leave but the effortless way you said them—like you were asking me what was for dinner or telling me the traffic you ran into on your way home.

The words hurt, and the carelessness hurt even more… but what hurts the most above all, that keeps me awake at night?

I can’t picture you in my future anymore either.