I Forgave You, But That Doesn’t Mean I Want You Back

I forgave you, but that doesn’t mean I want you back in my life. It doesn’t mean I am holding a new place for you in my heart. It doesn’t mean you can come back or pretend like nothing ever happened. Yes, I forgave you, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be a fool again and give you another chance to break me. I forgave you because I had to heal, not because I still love you. I forgave you because you were blocking my own growth and my own light. I forgave you because I deserve peace, and you only bring pain, even when you’re not around. 

I forgave you, but that doesn’t mean you can expect me to be available to you when you need me. It doesn’t mean you can come knocking on my door whenever you feel like it. I forgave you, but I still remember everything you did and everything you said and how you made me feel. I forgave you, but I still remember all the times you weren’t there for me and all the times you took me for granted. I forgave you, but I’ll never forget that at one point, you were all I got and I still felt all alone. I felt abandoned. 

I forgave you, but I am happier without you. I’m not scared of being who I am or speaking up or living my life the way I truly want to. I don’t walk on eggshells anymore, because I’m not worried about how you will take it or how it will make you feel. I don’t feel suffocated by your presence anymore. I’m finally free. I’m finally where I want to be. I’m finally the version of me that doesn’t have to tolerate your baggage or your insecurities or your accusations. I now have something you could never give me: joy. It took me years to realize that I deserve to be happy and feel alive. It took me years to realize that life doesn’t have to go your way. It took me years to realize that just because you’re sad and miserable doesn’t mean I have to be too. It took me years to realize that just because you live in constant fear and worry doesn’t mean I should too. 

I forgave you because forgiving you meant releasing that part of you that dimmed my light, your critical voice that didn’t want to leave my head, your fearful thoughts that kept creeping in every time I get excited about something and your manipulative ways to make me feel that I don’t deserve love and I’m not worthy of it.

I forgave you so I can release all the damage you have caused because as long as there was a part of you left in me, part of me would always be broken. I forgave you because I didn’t want to break anymore. I forgave you, but that doesn’t mean I want you back, because I didn’t choose to have you in my life, but I can choose to kick you out of it. I forgave you because I don’t need your validation anymore to survive. You once told me I’d be nothing without you, and here I am without you, and I have everything.