I Will Not Settle For Anything Less Than A Fairytale

I don’t know what I want. But I do.

I think of how many times my heart’s been broken and how many tears I cried for someone who didn’t even care. I think of how many breaths I wasted asking for the bare minimum over and over again. I think of all the time: the years, the days, the hours that I will never get back. All that time wasted chasing someone who didn’t even look back.

I’m damaged now.

I am scared of feeling love for anyone or getting too close. I’ve been let down so many times that I’m afraid It’ll happen again. So I lie to myself. I say I’m not emotionally available. I say I’m not ready. I say I don’t care about being rejected. I say I can settle for friendships. I let myself be used. I let myself believe that I’m not enough or I’m just too much.

But I’m not a lost cause.

I know I’m not perfect. I know my scars are visible. I know I have baggage and things to work on. But knowing that I have imperfections and flaws is how I know there’s hope in me. I know I want more for myself.

I want love and friendship combined. I want the fairytale. I want to be loved and desired and cared for. I want a love so real that no one believes it. I want someone to complement me. I want to be someone’s end goal.

Is it too much? Maybe.

But I’ve cried while lying next to someone before and realizing my tears meant nothing to them. I’ve been told, “You’d be almost perfect if…” one too many times. I have begged someone to miss me and care if I was okay. I’ve experienced so much unlove.

Why should I settle for anything less than a fairytale ending?