Viktoria Alipatova

I Wish I Could Tell You I’m Thinking Of You

I wish I could tell you that it is because it is “that time of year”

That memories of you trickle in and I feel you near

That it happens more than ever in November and December

But it is not. Thinking of you is always something tender

I try to talk about you as much as I can

When I meet new people I always accept “they will never know this man”

I keep an album of you on my phone

When I look through it, I am supposed to feel less alone

You know that feeling when your body is overcome with emotion

It’s a powerful mix of love, sadness, happiness and pain—it is a potent potion

This happens to me when I think of you

Its uncontrollable, but I force myself to feel it entirely through

I get impatient because I want there to come a day

Where I can remember you and it will not accompany as much pain

But I don’t want this at the same time

If there isn’t as much pain, it means I am letting you go

And that is not an option, I cannot survive without you close

I wear your ring around my neck

Your furniture in my room, your painting above my bed

I search for you in the sky as a white tailed hawk

And when you appear, I temporarily leave my current spot

It is not every day that you meet up with me 

So when you visit I always join you momentarily

I wish I could tell whoever I am with at that time

“Excuse me a moment, my Papa has arrived” 

But it is better that it is just you and me

It feels extra special, like a secret. Forever we are thick as thieves