I Wish I Was Worth It

I hate the feeling I’m left with when I didn’t know the last time I saw someone would be the last time I would see them. I hate the feeling that comes with a lack of closure, a person’s sudden and unexplained departure from my life. 

I hate the feeling that I’m not worth goodbye.

What is it about me that makes me so easy to walk away from? Do I have so little to offer that people can turn away without a second thought and never look back? Am I that forgettable?

I wish I wasn’t. 

I wish I was worth goodbye. I wish I was worth the time it takes to have a conversation, a final meeting where we acknowledge our differences and say our goodbyes. I wish I was worth one final hug, a goodbye kiss so I know it’s truly over. I wish I was worth a last glance back as someone walks away.

I wish I was worth the energy of an explanation.

I’m not one who demands closure. I understand that feelings are fleeting and that if you’re too hard to love, people just discard you. People are disposable; I am disposable. I understand that when someone is no longer invested in you, they no longer inconvenience themselves to show up for you. I wish I was worth showing up for.

I wish I was worth it.

I wish I was worth the effort it takes to see someone and make them feel understood, even when you have your differences, even when you can’t work through those differences. I wish I was worth the vulnerability and humility it takes to explore where things went wrong and if they can be fixed.

I wish I was worth a second chance.

No one gets things right the first time. I wish I was worth the risk of trying again, knowing that I failed before. I wish I was worth the patience it takes to navigate new territory, to understand that sometimes my best isn’t enough, but the importance lies in trying.