If I’m Being Honest, I Miss Being Vulnerable

If I’m being honest, I miss being vulnerable. I miss just following my heart without overthinking or strategically planning my next move or carefully crafting my messages. I miss just taking risks without being afraid of the consequences or the aftermath. I miss just being honest with people and telling them how I feel. I miss doing little things to brighten up their day and let them know that I remember everything they told me. 

If I’m being honest, modern love has made it extremely difficult to show your vulnerability because it’s all becoming a game of who’s tougher, who’s harder to get, or who’s going to surrender first. It’s becoming a game of survival of the fittest, who has more options, who is going to move on first, and who is most likely to survive without the other, not to mention vulnerability now scares the hell out of people. 

Do you want to tell someone how you feel? Well, get ready to push them away, because it’s too soon or it’s too forward or it’s going to put pressure on them. Do you want to tell someone you miss them? Well, get ready for them to ghost you or stop responding to your messages because they think you’re getting too attached and they don’t want to lead you on because they’re not ready for a relationship right now. So you just sit there and suppress all your feelings, bite your tongue and act indifferent and unbothered by it all because the slightest slip up cannot be undone. 

It’s been ages since I’ve truly felt like I can be myself with someone I’m attracted to, and it’s been ages since I’ve felt that they can be themselves with me too. We are more guarded than ever, we don’t give people chances anymore to reveal who they truly are beneath those games and those walls because we just can’t handle another heartbreak or another failed relationship, so we keep on lying to ourselves and wonder: What if the grass is greener with someone else? What if we play the game right this time? Because the last time we gave our hearts away to people, they broke us. What if we put people through tests and challenges just so they can prove to us that they’re worth it or that we are enough? 

This is how people love nowadays. They go against how they feel, they listen to what others say, they get their cues from the games around them and they end up participating in it, because if they don’t, they might not even have a chance.

So, if you want to go ahead and send that text or tell someone how you feel or have that conversation, then you better not have any expectations and keep in mind that you might not get an answer or it may not be the one you wanted. Keep in mind that you’re making yourself look needy and desperate and they might go tell their friends that you’re pathetic or hopeless. Keep in mind that they might be talking to other people because you were never exclusive and no one promised anything and you shouldn’t have gotten attached too quickly. So you just sit there in silence wondering if you will ever get the chance to be vulnerable again. Wondering if the time will ever come where you will truly love with all your heart again. 

It’s your fault that you can’t play it cool and you still believe in the connection you have with people. It’s your fault that you had expectations from someone who clearly showed interest in you. It’s your fault that you even liked someone and thought it was worth a shot. So you can take the risk of being vulnerable but the odds are against you. If I’m being honest, I miss being vulnerable, but I know I’d be damned if I even try, because I don’t want to be the fool who was dealt a bunch of bad cards and still chose to play instead of forfeit.