If You Want To Drastically Improve Your Relationship, Start Doing These 3 Things Differently
It’s easy to become complacent in a relationship when things are going well.
You don’t really think about improving or changing anything when you guys are “okay,” but I can tell you from experience that being “okay” in a relationship can often lead to indifference and bitterness.
When you’re in a relationship that’s shitty, you try everything to change it, but when things between the two of you are good or just alright, you’re less likely to try and improve things.
It’s important to make your relationship great. Why settle for mediocrity? Especially in your love life. Think of it this way: you have someone who you agree to do life with. They’re your best friend. Your person.
Why let the relationship with your person be just “okay”?
Why not put in a little bit of effort and make it fantastic? Make it one that makes you feel like you’re on top of the world? Like the two of you can take on the world?
With that being said, here are three little things you can do differently in your relationship to significantly improve it and make it better.
1. Instead of hiding your frustrations, needs, hurt, or anger, speak up.
Make it a priority to let your partner know how you actually feel instead of constantly swallowing your frustrations.
My goal is to have one epic marriage and stay together forever, which is why speaking up is one little but powerful thing you can do within your relationship to make it flourish and get stronger over time.
Relationships end for various reasons, one of them often being because needs aren’t being met. Sure, sometimes people are simply incapable of meeting another person’s needs, but sometimes needs aren’t met simply because an individual isn’t aware of what the other person wants/needs/etc.
What you can do:
If you’re someone who often hides the way they feel because you’re scared to open up to your partner, you need to work on that. Your partner is the one person you should always feel comfortable talking to.
When my partner and I first started dating, I struggled with voicing my needs because I was shy. I was also incredibly independent and felt odd saying things like “I need your support,” or even “I don’t like this in the bedroom.”
But eventually, I realized, how will he know? How can we be our best selves with each other if we’re too scared to speak up? How can we take care of one another if we don’t actually talk about how we feel or what we want?
The next time you bite your tongue, ask yourself, will swallowing the way you feel benefit your relationship or hinder it?
Sometimes I bite my tongue because the way I feel is dumb, like getting irritated about my partner ignoring me while he’s at the gym — it’s okay, shit happens, he’s trying to look good. But, when it’s something more serious like feeling neglected or feeling like they’re not giving you any attention — that’s a topic to speak up about.
2. Instead of reacting how you normally do in heated arguments, try a different strategy.
How do you normally react in a heated conversation? Do you yell? Do you bring up old arguments? Are you constantly trying to place the blame on the other individual?
John Gottman, who spent 40 years as a researcher and clinician studying thousands of couples, says one of the worst things you can do is roll your eyes or show contempt towards your partner.
I’ve definitely rolled my eyes at my boyfriend numerous times throughout our fights, and one thing I’m focusing on now is changing my arguing style. I can be overly critical and defensive, and that usually sparks the fire even more. So instead, I try to speak softer and speak without blame.
Instead of allowing your arguments to escalate and even nudging them in that direction at times, try to utilize strategies that will diffuse the situation.
In John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he calls the repair attempts a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples.
His research shows the success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the main factors in whether a relationship will flourish or flounder.
What you can do:
Identify the way you normally respond in heated arguments and do the opposite.
If you’re someone who ignores things and sweeps them under the rug and pretends you’re fine, speak up. Respectfully.
If you’re someone who gets hysterical and feels like the world is ending because your partner hurt your feelings, calm down. Take a breather. Take a walk. Come back and have a conversation when you’ve had time to collect your thoughts.
3. Instead of doing the usual, get outside of your comfort zone 2–3x a week.
It’s easy to get complacent, and it’s easy to get stuck in a routine, and it’s so easy to eat at the same places and do the same exact thing on a daily basis.
I thrive in my routine, I don’t really like change, and anytime something disrupts my day-to-day activities or forces some sort of alteration in my schedule, I get heated. I like knowing the ins and outs of my day.
However, when it comes to dating and relationships, routines aren’t always the best. You get tired of doing the same exact thing every single week.
A relationship needs novelty.
For a while, my partner and I had a routine where we’d get up at the same time, work throughout the day, same gym schedule every day, same eating schedule; we’d finish work by the same time daily, watch the same show every night, eat the same meal, go to the same restaurant on Friday, and even have sex on the same nights throughout the week.
It got boring. It got predictable. We were two 20-something-year-olds acting like we were in our 70s.
Changing things up made a world of difference.
What you can do:
If you’re like me and you thrive off routine and even predictability at times, and change or going outside of your comfort zone scares you, then start off easy.
Go outside of your comfort zone once or twice per week. Start small. Instead of going to the exact same restaurant you always go to on the same day during the week, go somewhere different — on a Tuesday.
When my partner suggested we go out on a Tuesday once, I was shocked. “You mean… go out? On a Tuesday night? I don’t know; that sounds pretty wild.”
We went out. We went to an Italian restaurant, we ate pasta, we had a glass of wine, and it was a great night. It felt different. It felt fun.
Get out of the box that YOU have created for yourself.
Takeaways:
Make it a priority to constantly improve your relationship. Don’t let it be just “okay.” Figure out ways to make it great for the both of you.
Instead of hiding your frustrations, needs, hurt, or anger, speak up.
Instead of reacting how you normally do in heated arguments, try a different strategy.
Instead of doing the usual, get outside of your comfort zone 2–3x a week.
Relationships take a lot of investment, but they’re worth it when you’re with the right person. Improve yourself, improve your relationship, and watch how much your overall life improves.