If You Were Still Here

If you were still here, I could call you on the phone. If I was feeling a little sad, you would know just what to say to make me laugh and forget about my problems.

If you were still here, I would go out and grab a drink with you. We could talk as adults, something we never truly got to do.

If you were still here, I wouldn’t wake up some days just crying. I wouldn’t have an empty pit in my stomach at any given time. I wouldn’t go through the holidays on the verge of tears. If you were still here, I would feel like myself again.

Losing you forever changed me. Losing you gave my life a different trajectory. It showed me how precious time is. It made me stronger. My heart opened up. I’ve become more intentional with those I share my life with. I care more. 

I never told anyone this, but I got rid of everything that reminded me of you. For a while, it was a comfort, but eventually it got to be too hard. Everything was a reminder that you were gone. I have a box in storage of photos, and an old jersey of yours I saved. I’m sorry that the memories hurt too much.

Losing you made me a multi-faceted person. Someone who has experienced love and loss. Someone who has seen and lived through the worst but continues to rise up. Losing you made me stronger.

But if you were still here, I would be happy. I wouldn’t take you for granted. I would send you a text to tell you about my day. Your texts were always so dry. But that was what made you YOU.

If you were still here, I wouldn’t cry because I forgot what your voice sounded like. I would have someone to laugh and joke with about these crazy times. I know you would share my sentiments and views on life. 

If you were still here, maybe I wouldn’t take failure so hard. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone. If you were still here, the world would be a better place.