I’ve Fallen Out Of Love With Falling In Love

For the first time in my life, I’m making plans without taking into account how these plans will affect me finding a significant other. I don’t really care about timelines and being married with kids by a certain age. I don’t have plans to buy a house by the time I’m 30. I don’t care about saving for a wedding or kids.

Right now, I feel like saving so that I can travel to places far, far away from where I’m writing this right now. I plan on spending years of my life exploring new places, hiking new trails, making new friends, and investing in things that make me happy.

Right now, I’m organizing my life around my education. I plan on dedicating years of my time to my work. I’m content spending Friday nights in front of my computer writing a grant proposal. I’m more than happy to be unavailable for dates because I’m at work, making money to travel the world with.

The idea of merging calendars with another human being at this point in my life gives me anxiety. I physically feel like I’m not capable of loving someone enough to even consider compromising my plans over. Right now, I’m content with all of my plans involving me and only me.

I’ve fallen in love with the idea of achieving all of my goals with only me to help me through. Over the past few years, I have become my biggest cheerleader and someone that is always available to help. 

When I meet someone that I think I might be interested in, I struggle with wanting to add them to the story of my life. The story of me has become something I protect at all costs.

For right now, I think I’ve fallen out of love with the idea of falling in love.