I’ve Loved You For 4 Years, But I’m Getting Tired

Nearly four years with you.

Nearly four years with you and if someone were to ask me what our relationship is like, whether it’s good or bad, I wouldn’t be able to answer.

We met when I was 18 and you were 21, and four years later, I still can’t say whether or not our love is stable. Because we met when I was young, when I was still discovering myself. And you were still at that stage in your life too. It’s easy to think that if we’ve been growing together, it’d make us stronger, but that wasn’t the case. We were growing together but in different ways.

With nearly four years together, a lot of people would expect us to have an unbreakable bond. I did too. But we have so many differences we constantly try to work on and adjust for that sometimes I wonder: is this love taking more from us than we’re receiving from it?

Sometimes, in the middle of the night when I’m alone, I still find myself wondering endlessly about whether or not there’s something else out there waiting for me. Scenarios constantly run through my mind about being in a relationship that’s not draining—one that’s simple, easy, calm.

I remember being told all the time that no relationship is what we picture it out to be. But…

My heart breaks.

It breaks because I wish our relationship was something that brought us peace; that our differences didn’t have to be an obstacle each time, that our love could just be pure and of complete acceptance of each other.

Then I feel this gut-wrenching guilt for wondering, for dreaming, for wishing for something more when I know I should be happy with what we have. Guilt I feel for always thinking about whether or not I’d be quick to walk away if I was given a chance at something better than this. Guilt for doubting that there will ever be a future with you where I’m truly happy.

Though I love you. Nothing can compare to how much I love you. For reasons being that I know you’re working hard for our future, you’ve taught me so much that I wouldn’t have learned so early without you, and you forgive me for every mistake and have always had patience. But you aren’t always here, and you fail to give me the comfort, reassurance, and love I need from you.

So, sometimes I can’t help but think this way. There are things I want more from you that I know you can’t give. And I want so much to unlearn this feeling that what we have is not enough — this deep insecurity. I want to be grateful and learn to accept that this is all we will ever have together.

But with nearly four years on a rollercoaster of pain, loneliness, immense happiness, and amazing experiences with you, my heart has grown tired.

So this is to say that I might have to give up on us soon, but I promise to fight and make our relationship work while I still can.

Though if I can’t keep going anymore, please know that I tried my best. And for whatever it’s worth, the love and the gratitude I have for you will always be there.