Life Isn’t Fair, But I Am Choosing To Focus On The Blessings

I am pretty sure I have exhausted all my reserves for giving a shit. I have overcompensated for being a single parent. I have beat myself up internally for feeling inadequate, unlovable, and ugly, or so you told me on the way out. I have braved through heartache, financial hardships, betrayal, suicidal thoughts, and severe loneliness. I have watched you from the outside appear to live a joyful, happy life after you created so much dysfunction and trauma.  

 My first thought was, Is there a God? Why do people who do terrible things succeed in life? My second thought was, I hate you, amongst many vulgar swear words I like to say remotely in my head. My third thought was, How is life fair?

 After contemplating whether or not God despised me or if I had some generational curse, I continued to climb over mountains of struggle. Why do some people have to endure a tremendous amount of more pain than others? Why are some people eternal givers, but their generosity isn’t reciprocated? 

Where is the universal law of love, karma, and attraction for me?

How many years do I need to ride the tractor of insecurity, sadness, and unworthiness? 

Why do I need to constantly be the better person, retreat inwardly, and take accountability for others? Is it ok to be a kind person and have the right to be pissed off, vengeful, and want justice?

Every time I make a mistake, karma repays me immediately. Every time I have a negative thought, I feel guilty. I cannot walk past a person in need without extending my hand. I see my children in pain and my heart screams with tears. 

Why can’t I be confident, colder-hearted, and go after what I want without regard for another person? Why can’t I live in a state of number one and be aggressive with my wants? God knows I have been steamrolled, thrown under the bus, and used too many times to count.

 I wish there could be a way in life to earn good deed tickets to cash in on. Is it okay to just hit your limit and say fuck it?’

Can I be sweet and generous, but also aggressive in my pursuit of happiness? I have lived a long life so far, and I deserve love. I deserve peace, stability, and the happiness that comes from a committed relationship. I deserve extraordinary health and amazing sex. I deserve a beautiful home and to have the ability to travel. I deserve whatever the fuck I want. 

Life has NOT shown me the kindness that I have given. That is the dilemma right there. I believe it is innately inside us, we are victims of life, and it is a choice.  

Regardless of what life throws at me, however, many people take advantage of my kindness—I will continue to give. I will continue to be optimistic, and I will continue to treat people with respect. 

There has to be a master plan. There are always tests thrown at us, and perhaps God puts his strongest soldiers through the most trials.

 I guess my outlook on the unfair circumstances that I have struggled with, and the path that I will take going forward is to have unwavering faith in the amazingness coming my way. 

Life gives us so many reasons to hate ourselves and each other. I have lived a lifetime comparing myself to others and feeling unworthy. Where did that get me? It got me another year older of sitting on the sidelines of life and not fully participating. 

Maybe today, I will declare that I AM going to succeed in every area of my life because I said so! 

I will take stock of my blessings and not care how other people live their lives. After all, we all have to answer for it eventually.  

Today, I will move my body, nourish it with healthy food, laugh until my belly hurts, help others in need, pray for those who have wronged me, set goals for my future, live in the moment, and get out of my way.

God, I am open to receiving all the wonderful gifts you have for me. There is NO limit to the beautiful treasures I will receive. Life may have taken me through unexpected twists and turns, but I will have confidence in your ultimate plan. I know that I am a deserving human being with a natural-born right to peace, love, and happiness. I will take time to go inward and see my potential. I will mold my life in all of the ways that make me happy, not a fictitious societal game plan made by nonexistent laws.  

I am still here. I am still breathing. I am a valuable person with endless gifts to offer this world, but most importantly, myself. I will take off my distorted glasses and replace them with new eyes. I am exhausted from putting myself through needless heartbreak. I will no longer fight for people or situations that do not fight for me. Today is a new day. Right now, I declare abundance showered over my life.

Thank you, God, for never giving up on me. Thank you for allowing me to make mistakes and loving me anyway. Thank you for showing me true beauty. I will not take for granted the limited time I have on earth.  I will value the people that stayed, and appreciate the ones who love me. I will not focus on the ones who don’t.