Looking Back, We Were Always Wrong

I often find myself looking back at us, the way we were. When I look back, everything about us seems so wrong, like pickles dipped in chocolate wrong (your favorite after dinner snack–I should’ve taken that as a sign).

I was so infatuated by you, by the words (lies) you spoke. I didn’t see all the things that my friends told me about, all the other girls, all the excuses. I just saw, heard, and believed exactly what you wanted me too. 

I remember when you met my mum, you acted so disgustingly, but you had a bad day at school. You turned it around like it was my fault. I felt terrible, I believed it was my fault. Little did I know it’s just one of your other girls on the side wouldn’t talk to you.

I remember my high school formal; you made me feel like a princess. You gave me your jacket when I was cold, you kissed my hand, you looked me in the eyes and told me you loved me. I was your ‘forever’ person, you said. Then at the after party, you disappeared for a while. My friends told me you were making out with someone at the back of the toilets. I laughed at them and said, ”No, he loves me.” Then there you were, coming out from behind the toilets. “Sorry, that was my mum calling,” you said. Even though it was 3 a.m., I believed you. Funny that, after everything, I found out my friends were right that night.

There’s SO much more I could say, but I don’t think it matters what I say—you don’t care anyway. You never did. You were my first at a lot of things—first love, first lover, first kiss, first person I bought home to my parents. You were also my only for a few things. The ONLY person I will ever try pickles and chocolate for,  the only person who will fool me the way you did, and my only ever year 12 formal date.

My friends now look at me and tell me how happy I look, and they’re right, I am happy. But I could’ve never felt like this if it wasn’t for us. You taught me to never settle. Don’t go quiet if something feels wrong with someone—communicate, don’t just shake it off and create an excuse for the person. Listen to your friends—they know more than you think. 

I will NEVER forget the memories of you, the good and the bad. So many people say, oh, you must hate him, but I don’t. The blame can’t all go on you. Yes, you did some nasty things. I was dumb and so head over heels in love with you. I let you in and trusted you. You just happened to take advantage of that and tear my heart into pieces, throwing them all over the floor. Over time, I’ve picked up the pieces and put it back together again, but it still has some little cracks.