Read This When You Feel Like You Have No Idea Who You Are

I thought that by a certain age (hello 24) I would know who I am. It would only make sense, right? I would know what I liked, what I didn’t, what I wanted to do with my life, what my purpose was, what type of people I loved and what type of people I didn’t love. And it might’ve been true to a certain extent; I still felt like I had no idea who I was. 

I knew that I didn’t like hard-boiled eggs, but I did like fries with both mayo and ketchup. I knew that I disliked people who weren’t honest, but I also knew I might judge people too harshly. I was afraid to open up because I would eventually get hurt (which happened too many times). I had begun my career and I liked what I was doing, but I didn’t feel that I was doing what I loved. I had an idea of where this career might take me, but it wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to do. But then, what was my passion? 

The idea of who I am as a person got dismantled and thrown away in all the corners of my life during my 23rd year. I ended a five-year relationship, changed cities to start my career, moved by myself, got involved with someone who didn’t value me, started therapy, and made visible progress, and above all, put myself first for the first time. For the first time, I wanted to be alone, independent, and to truly find myself. 

As a woman who always had male attention since she was 14, whether it was talking to someone, having a crush, being in relationships, my life in some shape or form had a male around it. And for the first time, I was ready to be alone, no matter how lonely it would be. It wouldn’t be as lonely as it was in the past, being surrounded by the wrong people and having to seek validation and approval.

During a conversation with my therapist, I told her how I’d love to go back to my old self. I felt like I had everything under control back then. She then proceeded to tell me something very reassuring: “Maybe you cannot go back to who you were, because you learned so much and changed so much in the meantime.” She was right. 

The only way is through. Through the hurt and the pain, through welcoming uncomfortable feelings. Through letting go of people and things that no longer serve us. I realized how I was suppressing my feelings for so long, and when I allowed them to pour, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I looked at other people and I couldn’t understand why they were healing faster than me. The truth is, everyone is on a different journey and healing is not linear. It takes time. We just need to jump on board and hold tight. 

In the search of myself, I reconnected with something I loved to do when I was young—painting. I haven’t painted in at least 15 years and it was always in the back of my head. Now, I cannot say I am Picasso, but it was an activity that always brought me joy. So, I went to a workshop, where funny enough, I met someone who is now a good friend. 

The reconnection to painting brought me so much clarity, but there was another feeling hidden inside me. While I was stroking the brush on the white canvas, I felt calm. Whole. I felt so much at peace with who I was at that moment. Sometimes, healing can look like going back in your childhood and doing something you once loved and lost touch with. It isn’t always long journal prompts. It isn’t always meditation and listening to frequency music. Whatever works for you, works for you. 

My search for myself continues still and probably will never stop. I am just at the beginning, but I am thrilled to discover myself.

I used to be so angry for allowing certain people to treat me the way they did, for accepting the bare minimum and for being too nice to people who did not deserve it. However, holding anger and frustration doesn’t benefit me. I needed to accept that I had to learn those lessons. 

One word of advice from me to you: Forgive yourself for all the times when you didn’t do yourself right. Take those lessons and apply them. Be gentle with yourself.