She Had To Learn To Love Herself Because He Didn’t Know How To Love Her

“Grief does not change you, […]. It reveals you.” ― John Green

They tell her that what she is going through are the stages of grief. She hasn’t brought herself to actually look up the stages. Knowing them won’t change her pain.

She has felt grief. She knows that pain all too well. She knows that loss of a loved one is painful and there will always be a void in her heart for their absence.

But this.

This does not feel anywhere near grief.

This pain has only his name.

What she feels right now causes her to entangle her mind with insecurities, doubts, and sadness. It is a debilitating pain that can only find relief by ripping her heart out; gently setting it on a table to rest will help her catch her breath. Even if it is just for a moment.

She is learning that a divorce is grieving multiple aspects of your life and nobody asked if you were ready to endure the pain.

You grieve your plans that have become nonexistent.

You grieve your home.

You grieve your life as a wife.

You grieve a living person that you know isn’t good for you.

You grieve the you that left with them.

However, she had to love herself because he didn’t know how to love her. She understands that others can only love to the capacity they love themselves. To her misfortune, his lack of love causes her to feel a pain that isn’t grief. She searches for a word to name the pain she feels every day. For now, it carries his name.

Nevertheless, in the middle of this pain she finds another fragment of her shattered soul and she softly puts it in its place.

That’s when she realizes that she can harness this pain to grow.

 She wipes her tears.

Takes a deep breath.

Lifts herself up and reminds herself that this too shall pass.

And when she meets herself on the other side, she will know it was all a part of the process to be set free.