I’m coming to learn that other people aren’t the only beings that break our hearts; sometimes, we’re the culprit ourselves. As someone who has romanticized toxicity I decided was love and chased far too many people who didn’t want to be caught, I could be considered an expert on the subject. I’ve broken my own heart more times than I can count. I’m finally starting to pick up the pieces, though. I’m finally learning the right way to let go and move forward.

After some self-reflection (and therapy, lol, let’s be real), I’ve noticed a few common themes that showed up in the trials and tribulations of my self-inflicted wounds. Maybe you’ve experienced some of these too. (At least I hope so. Otherwise, this article will be wildly unhelpful to you! I apologize in advance if that’s the case.)

ANYWAY.

While I don’t have all the answers to how to repair a heart that was damaged by its very own hands, I have had some success in bridging the gap between a shattered one and one that’s a little more whole.

Below are three ways you break your own heart (and some tips to help you move forward).

1. Repeatedly explaining yourself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you.

When you’re sharing your innermost feelings, thoughts, and needs with someone who not only doesn’t seem to hear you but is also covering their ears, at first it can feel like you aren’t shouting loud enough. So you increase the volume. Or you might hypothesize that you could be clearer with your vocabulary, so you switch it up a bit. You might even dream up some kind of metaphor you think will finally make them understand. But they won’t.

You need to accept that nothing you say or do will matter. Their mind is already made up about you. Understand that if people are anything, they are consistent, and if they seem like they don’t want to learn the language of your heart, it’s because they don’t. No, seriously. They really, really, REALLY don’t.

Let this empower you, though. There’s nothing left to do if there is nothing to save, right? Let your last sentence be that, your last, and walk away. You are not too much to handle. That isn’t the lesson here. There’s nothing needy about you, you’re simply knocking on the wrong door.

2. Loving someone in hopes it will make them love you back.

Love is magical and healing in so many different ways, but one thing it can’t do is change another person’s feelings for you. No matter how kind and tender your heart may be, there will always be someone it’s just not right for. And that’s okay.

Unreciprocated love is a bitch, but the sooner you accept that’s what it is, and that is all it will ever be, the sooner you can let them go and find the person that is right for you. There is someone out there more aligned with who you are and who you will grow to be. Let them find you by letting go of what will never be.

3. Distracting yourself from your one life, rather than truly living it.

This is your life, your single chance at being human. And if that isn’t awe-inspiring to you, if you’re constantly just going through the motions and living on autopilot, waking up every day living it the same as the last, that is a sign you are not awake. You’re distracted. Maybe it’s by your job, or newsfeeds, or little things that really don’t do anything but take away your attention from the present. Whatever the case, it’s time to wake up.

There is so much history to learn, adventures to have, love to experience, places to see, and people to meet while you’re here. And yes, being human can be heartbreaking, this is a fact, but it’s also beautiful. And frankly, it’s also all we really have. So, why not make the most of it all? Why not enjoy it and feel it and live all your years completely? Lean into life’s discomfort, embrace its joy, and cling to happiness when it finds you. Let it all seep into your veins, travel throughout your being, and realize this is what it means to be alive and grow. This is being human.

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Heartbreak can teach us, but it’s not a state to constantly experience or stay stuck in. If you’re constantly shattering your own heart, it’s time to ask yourself why, and then adjust your behavior and expectations accordingly.

Moving forward, I hope you choose yourself. I hope you stop breaking your own heart. And I hope you start giving yourself the love you deserve most, and that’s the love that comes from yourself.