The Hardest Parts of Grief That No One Tells You About
No one is ever prepared to lose someone they love, and no one is ever ready for what is to come after the funerals, wakes, and celebrations of life are over and everyone else around you starts to move on. Here are a few of the most complex parts of grief that no one tells you about from a long-time member of the dead parent club.
The “D” Word. It would be safe to assume that when you read that last sentence from above, you may have cringed, or your body may have quivered when you read the word “dead.” No one tells you that the worst word you can use when you lose someone is “dead” or “died,” which is ironic because that is what they are. A person you love died, and you should be able to use that word freely and without faces being made. No one should have to spare anyone else’s feelings by using more straightforward phrases like “They passed on in 2003” or “I lost them years ago.” Someone being open with their loss shouldn’t have to worry about making others feel uncomfortable. It’s their story, and they should be able to use whatever words they feel to help them grieve.
The Five Stages Of Grief. People often sell you on the five stages of grief when you lose someone. The five stages of grief were created to put a timeline on your loss. A checklist that somehow, if you miraculously check them off, you are cured from your grief journey. People tend to hold onto the belief that you can just be done with grief after a while, but the truth is that the five stages of grief happen repeatedly. It happens every time your loved one is missing from an event they should be at. It happens when you go to call them, and then you realize it isn’t a possibility. It occurs at random moments when you’re at a store and you see something that you know they would like. You may reach a point where you have accepted that they died, but it doesn’t mean you move on; it just means you move forward.
“They Are In A Better Place.” No one prepares you for when you tell someone about a person in your life that died, they will more than likely say, “I am so sorry for your loss. They are in a better place.” I don’t know who came up with this phrase, but I assure you when someone you love dies, there doesn’t feel like there could ever possibly be a better place than here with me again. Maybe they are no longer in pain or suffering, but every grieving person wishes they weren’t in pain while still being here. That would be the best place.
Your Story Changes. Every time you tell your story, it helps heal you a little bit, but no one tells you that your story changes as your grief journey lengthens. You notice that sometimes you go from talking about how they died and how mad you were that they aren’t here to all the good memories and fun times you had with them. Your grief evolves every time you talk about it.
The Empty Chair At A Full Table. No matter how long someone is gone, there will always be an empty chair at a full table. It may be physical or figuratively, but you’ll always notice that missing piece; on the holidays, birthdays, weddings, and a regular dinner on a Sunday. You’ll always wonder what would have been going on in their lives if they were still alive, what stories they would be telling, and what you would have talked about together. You’ll miss their laugh when something funny happens, and you’ll think about the advice they’d sit there and give you during a complicated conversation.
The People You Meet After They Died. Unfortunately and fortunately, there is life after death. With life comes meeting new people—you get to know them, and they get to know you. The hardest part of it is when that looming conversation comes up about your loss. The even more complicated part is they don’t get to meet this person you loved so much and who impacted your life. You have this unexplainably hard job of keeping their memory alive and trying to show them who they were through you.
It’s Okay To Bring Up The Person Who Died. No one prepares you for the insane amount of awkwardness that comes from others when you bring up someone that died. For most, it feels like you have to tiptoe around death in your life so that others can be comfortable. If your friend gets to talk about important people in their life, you should too, and it shouldn’t matter if they are alive or dead. You are allowed to remember them and talk about them.
No One Gets To Tell You How You Should Grieve. People who go through death are often expected to grieve in specific ways. Be sad, be angry, be emotional, be this, be that. I know it’s hard to believe, but no one can tell you how to grieve. There is simply no wrong or right way to grieve. You have to do what makes YOU feel good, what helps YOU get through this devastating time in your life, and no one gets to judge you for how you do it. People who have never experienced loss are the quickest to critique—don’t let them get to you. It is your grief, and it is your journey.
You Suddenly Have An Urgency For Life. No one tells you that after someone you love dies, you become hyper-aware that life is so short and precious. You realize that anyone you love can be taken from you at any time. You love people a lot harder, and you don’t take any moment, large or small, for granted.
Life Goes On. No matter how hard you fight it or how much you don’t believe it, life does go on. You will laugh again. You will make plans again with other people. You will go to parties, do your hair, and dress up. You will never feel whole again, but you will get as close as possible to it. You will look back and say, “I survived and am much stronger than I thought I was.”
Grief Lasts Forever. The hardest pill to swallow is this grief thing—it lasts forever, and it becomes a part of who you are and your personality. It is a sad feeling to know that it will always linger in the back of your mind, but if there is anything to know about grief, it is that where there is great grief only means there is also great love, and because of that your loved one will live on forever through you.