The Truth Is, You Don’t Deserve Anything More From Me

I used to hate the sound of the clock ticking, the sound of the keyboard pounding, the washing machine roaring, and the light buzzing from the refrigerator deep into the night. However, now all of those sounds are music to my ears because I hear them when I sit in the silence not waiting for the sound of your phone call.

There will be no more waiting up all night, exhausting myself to stay up just in case you called. Wondering if you would be in that state where you would want to dial my number or lonely enough to want to hear my voice.

There will be no more wishing I said something different in a response to one of your many opinionated topics because whatever I said you disagreed with, and even when I agreed, you never believed that I was being true.

There will be no more of me feeling bad when you change your mind on not wanting to see me and then hours later tell me that you wish I would have just shown up at your door, leaving me confused and as if I were in the wrong.

There will be no more second guessing what I said or didn’t say because either response in your eyes would have been wrong.

There will be no more of me making a light-hearted joke and you taking it as an attack, then me having to quiet myself down because I don’t know how you will take the humor.

There will be no more of me trying to prove that I can be chill enough to meet your standards when I have already found my peace.

There will be no more of me worrying about going out with friends, only to wonder what your reaction will be and if by doing that I may have lost your respect.

There will be no more of me wondering if you are up at night thinking about me or taking myself back to that phone call that I never should have answered at 1 a.m. when you told me you never think of me, then five minutes later told me that I am all you can think of.

There will be no more constant battles of love and hate, because love should never have to need anything more, it will always just be enough.

There will be no more one mores. No more one time wishing, no more one last time wearing your sweater, no more one more text to say goodbye or one more time listening to that song you would play for me.

The thing with one mores is that they’re never just one more. Your one more turns into two, then the thought of you starts to run laps in my mind. And then I’m left wondering why I let myself slip back into a toxic place.

So, with no one mores left to count, we are left with just more to open our hearts to. A fresh start, a new beginning of no more one mores. Because if you have to count the times that you gave just one more, they would add up to so much more than you ever should have given, which was way more of yourself that you needed and that they didn’t deserve.